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CABINE PRESSURE

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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  La Mujer el Jue Nov 15, 2012 7:44 am

Acabo de oir en el que Ben pone acento francés y, a pesar de que algunas bromas no las he pillado me he reído mucho. Ya sé qué oir para aprender y practicar inglés. Anda que no debe molar vivir en Inglaterra y poder oir programas como este Very Happy
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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  lulyve el Jue Nov 15, 2012 7:50 am

Mertxines escribió:Ya hay fecha de grabación y emisión de los nuevos episodios radiofónicos de Cabin Pressure:

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Grabación en 3 sesiones, a las que la gente puede asistir pidiendo tickets (se agotan rapidísimamente, obviamente):
Domingos 2-12, 16-12 y 6-1 en los estudios RADA en Londres, a la 1:30 del mediodía.

Emisión:
Por la BBC Radio 4 durante 6 semanas, empezando el miércoles 9 de enero.



Ay!!!!!! Sad Sad Sad Sad que penita más grande, a estas grabaciones si que me gustaría poder ir, me encantaría a parte de porque ver a Ben grabando esto no tiene que tener precio, es que me he enganchado a la serie cosa mala. La tengo en el teléfono y hay algunos capítulos que ya me he escuchado varias veces, hay días que voy al cole a buscar a mi hijo escuchándolo y la gente me mira como si estuviera pirada porque no puedo evitar reírme, me parecen buenísimos los guiones y los cuatro actores
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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  La Mujer el Jue Nov 15, 2012 7:54 am

Aquí dejo un dibujo hecho por el mismísimo John Finnemore con los cuatro actores de la serie, creo que no está por aquí. Está muy bien hecho Very Happy

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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  Nika el Miér Ene 09, 2013 9:29 am

Niñas,os recuerdo que tomorrow empieza la emisión de la nueva temporada de Cabin Pressure en la BBC Radio 4 a las 18:30h de England.Os dejo 1 anuncio:
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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  lulyve el Miér Ene 09, 2013 12:27 pm

Por si acaso alguien no lo tiene os dejo el enlace que publicaron en Twitter los de Cabine Preasure para escucharlo fuera de Inglaterra, el enlace funciona de lujo
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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  Nika el Jue Ene 10, 2013 11:53 am

Niñas,os dejo el enlace para descargar el episodio que se emitió ayer(1º de la 4ª temporada)titulado Tombuctú.
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Cuando se abra la página le teneis que dar en la esquina superior derecha a saltar publicidad y ya os aparece el acceso a la descarga.
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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  Mertxines el Vie Ene 11, 2013 4:35 am

Nika escribió:Niñas,os dejo el enlace para descargar el episodio que se emitió ayer(1º de la 4ª temporada)titulado Tombuctú.

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Cuando se abra la página le teneis que dar en la esquina superior derecha a saltar publicidad y ya os aparece el acceso a la descarga.

Nika, sale un mensaje que dice "Descarga no disponible" Sad Sad

¿Sabes de algún otro enlace para descargar?

Yo lo único que he encontrado es el enlace de la BBC para escucharlo online durante sólo 6 días:

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Edito para poner el enlace donde está la transcripción del texto:

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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  Nika el Vie Ene 11, 2013 7:15 am

Hala¡Es verdad.Pues yo ayer me lo descargué ahí y ya me lo he escuchado .Lo han debido de borrar.Ya está en You Tube.Os lo dejo aquí en 2 partes.
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Me reedito,ya está la transcripción tambien en inglés.Aqui:
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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  Mertxines el Vie Ene 11, 2013 12:08 pm

Nika escribió:Hala¡Es verdad.Pues yo ayer me lo descargué ahí y ya me lo he escuchado .Lo han debido de borrar.Ya está en You Tube.Os lo dejo aquí en 2 partes.
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Me reedito,ya está la transcripción tambien en inglés.Aqui:
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Gracias Nika Smile

Por cierto, el enlace con la transcripción lo he puesto yo también jajaja, qué aplicadas somos que en cuanto vemos algo "benedictino" ¡zas! a ponerlo todas jejeje

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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  lulyve el Jue Ene 17, 2013 1:06 pm

El segundo capítulo, se titula Uskerty os dejo el enlace haber si hay suerte y os da tiempo a descargarlo antes de que lo quiten
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Tiene momentos memorables, que ataque de risa con las "bees" ya hablaremos porque esto es para comentarlo es buenísimo Razz Razz Razz
Que lo disfrutéis Wink
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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  Nika el Jue Ene 17, 2013 7:42 pm

Thanks Luly,ya me lo he bajado y lo tengo a buen recaudo.Luego lo oigo que voy a dormir que trabajé de noche Very Happy ¡Es que dá gusto empezar el día con estas alegrías! Laughing
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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  Nika el Vie Ene 25, 2013 9:57 am

Niñas,os dejo el episodio de ayer de Cabin Pressure titulado Vaduz:
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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  lulyve el Vie Ene 25, 2013 10:08 am

Nika escribió:Niñas,os dejo el episodio de ayer de Cabin Pressure titulado Vaduz:
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Gracias!!!!! llevo todo el día buscandólo. Que vicio me he pillado con esto mother of god
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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  Mertxines el Sáb Ene 26, 2013 9:08 am

¿Alguien tiene enlace de los episodios en MP3?

¿Y las transcripciones de los textos? El que pusimos antes del episodio 2 ya lo han quitado Mad

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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  lulyve el Sáb Ene 26, 2013 10:37 am

Mertxines escribió:¿Alguien tiene enlace de los episodios en MP3?

¿Y las transcripciones de los textos? El que pusimos antes del episodio 2 ya lo han quitado Mad

El primer enlace es de timbuktu el primer capítulo
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El enlace del segundo capítulo está un post más atrás, todavía funciona

Este es del miércoles Vaduz

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En cuanto a las transcripciones yo también ando como loca buscando si veo algo lo dejo por aquí
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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  Nika el Dom Ene 27, 2013 5:10 am

Niñas,os dejo los enlaces para transcripciones. Very Happy Very Happy
Yo en mp3 los tengo los 3 ,pero un enlace lo han borrado y los otros 2 los baje con el Catcher de You Tube y luego los pasé a mp3 con el Format Factory.Sorry. Crying or Very sad
Episodio 1 Tombuctú:[Tienes que estar registrado y conectado para ver este vínculo]
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Última edición por Nika el Dom Ene 27, 2013 8:33 am, editado 1 vez
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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  lulyve el Dom Ene 27, 2013 5:23 am

De lujo!!!! Gracias Nika ya tengo el completo... Hasta el miércoles que será vuelta a empezar jajajajaja
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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  Mertxines el Lun Ene 28, 2013 3:57 am

Pues casi que mejor copiamos las transcripciones aquí también, por si acaso desaparecieran de nuevo...

SERIE 4 - EPISODIO 1 - TIMBUKTU
==============================

MARTIN: Do take your time, Douglas. Still everything to play for. (Gleefully) I’m only twenty-six points ahead of your three points! (He giggles.) But-but I have every confidence you’re about to come roaring back!
DOUGLAS: Yes, all right.
MARTIN: But I am gonna have to press you for an answer, I’m afraid.
DOUGLAS (sulkily): I don’t know. At twenty thousand feet, I suppose about two hundred knots?
MARTIN: Ooh, what a pity! It’s a lovely guess, but I’m afraid the answer on the card was two hundred and four knots! I win again! So that’s Martin on twenty-nine; Douglas … oh! Still on three … (he chuckles) … as we head into round two.
DOUGLAS: That was one round?!
MARTIN: Oh, don’t worry, don’t worry. Round two’s much more fun. We say a fond farewell to the flight manual …
DOUGLAS: Thank God.
MARTIN: … and we welcome instead our very good friend the operations manual!
DOUGLAS (protesting): No! No, I’m sorry, I’m done.
MARTIN: No-no, fair’s fair, Douglas. You promised if I joined in with Flight Deck Buckaroo, I could pick the next game.
DOUGLAS: But I hate this game!
MARTIN: Yes, and I hate Flight Deck Buckaroo.
DOUGLAS: How can you hate Flight Deck Buckaroo? It’s a terrific game! And it’s educational.
MARTIN: There is nothing educational about seeing who can disable the most instruments without setting off the recorded warning.
DOUGLAS: Yes there is! You find out all the things you don’t really need! Like altimeters.
MARTIN: No, this is educational. So, welcome to round two of Beat the Manuals!
(Flight deck door opens.)
ARTHUR: Hello, chaps. Any teas or coffees?
DOUGLAS: Oh, thank God!
ARTHUR: Oh. Sorry, Douglas, you should have rung.
MARTIN: Actually, we’re fine, Arthur. We-we’ll be landing in twenty minutes.
ARTHUR: Oh, right-o. Oh, and a message from Mum. Er, she says how long until we land?
DOUGLAS: … Right.
(Flight deck door opens again.)
CAROLYN: Drivers, how long ’til we land?
ARTHUR: I’m asking them, Mum!
CAROLYN: Not quickly enough.
MARTIN: We’ve just started the descent, Carolyn, so about twenty minutes?
CAROLYN: Excellent. Now, Douglas, I am having lunch with Herc. Can you give Arthur a lift home?
DOUGLAS: Sorry. Happy though I always am to pick up the pieces around your hectic love life, I’m afraid as soon as we land I’m driving to Twickenham. I’ve got tickets for the rugby World Cup final.
ARTHUR: Cup final? But … doesn’t that mean it’s Birling Day?
MARTIN: Oh, Carolyn. Haven’t you told him?
ARTHUR: Told me what?
MARTIN: Arthur, there isn’t going to be a Birling Day this year.
ARTHUR (high-pitched in indignation): What?! Why not?!
MARTIN: Because this year the final is in Twickenham.
ARTHUR: Well, so?
CAROLYN: So, Mr. Birling lives in Sussex. To get to Fitton he would have to drive through Twickenham; and while he certainly has more money than sense, I don’t think anyone has that much more.
ARTHUR (disappointed): Oh, no. I love Birling Day.
MARTIN: Me too.
DOUGLAS: Do you?
MARTIN: Well, no, but I could do with the money.
DOUGLAS: True. And I wouldn’t say no to a free bottle of Talisker.
CAROLYN: The bottles of expensive whisky I provide for Mr. Birling’s exclusive use are not “free”, Douglas. They are stolen from me.
DOUGLAS: And therefore free to me.
MARTIN (into comms): Fitton Tower, this is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India established on the ILS.
KARL (over comms): ’Ello, ’ello, is it a bird, is it a plane? No! It’s … oh, no wait, it is technically a plane.
DOUGLAS: Hello, Karl.
MARTIN: Fitton Tower, please confine air traffic communications to standard phraseology.
KARL: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wind two eighty at eight; Runway three-six clear to land; all the usual jazz.
MARTIN: Roger. Clear to land, three-six.
KARL: So-o-o, did you have a lovely time in Luton?
DOUGLAS: How could one not? It’s a palace of pleasure.
MARTIN: I mean, seriously, you’re really not meant to just chat on this thing!
KARL: Sorry, Martin. Oh! One last thing, though: did any of you order a furious posh man?
MARTIN: What?
KARL: Only one’s arrived for you – very cross, very drunk. Phil poured him into your Departure Hut.
CAROLYN: Lounge.
KARL: Sorry: Lounge. Anyway, hope you like him! Ta-ra!
(Comms off.)
CAROLYN: That-that sounds like Mr. Birling!
DOUGLAS: It does rather, doesn’t it? By the way, cabin crew, prepare for landing.
ARTHUR: Oh, right, I’ll go and …
(Sound of GERTI’s tyres squealing as she touches down and brakes.)
DOUGLAS: Too late.

~~~~~~~~~~

(MJN Air’s portacabin door opens.)
CAROLYN: Mr. Birling!
MR. BIRLING (very drunk and slurring): Ah-ha! There you are at last.
CAROLYN: What are you doing here?
MR. BIRLING: What am I doing here? The question is: what were you doing not being here … (he mumbles incoherently) … before now, eh?
CAROLYN: But we’re not expecting you. You-you-you don’t have a booking.
MR. BIRLING: Booking?! Don’t need a booking! Where else are you lot gonna be – on another job?
CAROLYN: Well, yes.
MR. BIRLING: Don’t be silly. Now then – now you’re finally here, listen. Err, Timbuktu.
CAROLYN: What about it?
MR. BIRLING: Is-is it a real place?
CAROLYN: Yes!
MR. BIRLING: Ah! Told you so, stupid woman!
CAROLYN: I beg your pardon?
MR. BIRLING: I didn’t mean you’re a stupid woman, you silly woman. I mean my awful wife. Have you met my awful wife?
CAROLYN: I have met your wife, certainly.
MR. BIRLING: Well, that’ll be the awful one. I’ve only got one. I may be a fool, but I’m not a damned fool.
CAROLYN: No, I’m sure you’re not.
MR. BIRLING: And anyway, I’m not a fool. I knew where Timbuktu was, didn’t I?
CAROLYN: Did you?
MR. BIRLING: Well, I knew it was somewhere. That’s the point – I knew it wasn’t made-up like some people thought it was, naming no wives. Well, where is it, anyway? China or somewhere stupid?
CAROLYN: It’s in Mali, in the middle of Africa, on the edge of the Sahara.
MR. BIRLING: God, is it? How ghastly. Well, can’t be helped. I want you to fly me there.
CAROLYN: To Timbuktu? Why?
MR. BIRLING: Firstly, none of your business; secondly, to watch the rugby.
CAROLYN: But the rugby is in Twickenham.
MR. BIRLING: I know the rugby’s in Twickenham. I told my awful wife it was in Twickenham and she said I had to stay and see her awful friends when they came round for her awful thing. And I said I wouldn’t, and she said I must, and I said I wouldn’t, and she said I must, and I said I wouldn’t …
CAROLYN: Yes, I believe I’ve picked up the ebb and flow of the debate.
MR. BIRLING: And in the end she said I could watch it in Timbuktu for all she cares. So I’m going to.
CAROLYN: You’re going to fly to Timbuktu to spite your wife?
MR. BIRLING: That’s the idea, yeah, yeah. Fly to Timbuktu, take a picture to show awful wife who’s boss, i.e. me, I am, find bar in airport, cheer on Wales to glorious victory over the Eyeties, get drunk, fly home.
CAROLYN: Well, I can ask the crew if they would be willing to consider giving up their day off to, er …
MR. BIRLING: Oh, can’t we skip all that? I’ll give ’em a couple of grand each and pay you double whatever you were gonna charge.
CAROLYN (instantly): We should be ready to leave within the hour, sir.

~~~~~~~~~~

CAROLYN: All right, how are we doing? Where are the others?
DOUGLAS: Fine. Martin’s panically filing a flight plan, and I’ve sent Arthur into Fitton to buy a book about Timbuktu.
CAROLYN: What on Earth for?
DOUGLAS: He’s in a helpful mood.
CAROLYN: Yes, but why do you need a book?
DOUGLAS: I don’t. I need a temporary absence of Arthur in a helpful mood. And I have just given away a ticket to watch the Cup Final in Twickenham in order that I can fly two and a half thousand miles to the heart of Africa and watch it there.
CAROLYN (fake sympathetically): Oh, dear. Did the poor little pilot have to fly an aeroplane? (More sternly) You’re getting paid, aren’t you, plus an enormous tip?
DOUGLAS: I know, I know. And a bottle of Talisker.
CAROLYN: No. Not a bottle of Talisker.
DOUGLAS: We’ll see, shall we?
CAROLYN: No. I mean there won’t be any Talisker to steal. I have to order in the twenty-five year old stuff specially, and there’s no time.
DOUGLAS: Oh. Well, in that case, perhaps I can help. I happen to have a few spare bottles knocking about … for some reason.
CAROLYN (hesitantly, reluctantly): Oh. Well. That would be very useful. Thank you.
DOUGLAS: Shall we say two hundred pounds a bottle?
CAROLYN: What?! No! I’m not paying you for the whisky you stole from me in the first place!
(Portacabin door opens.)
MARTIN: Guys, there’s a problem.
CAROLYN: Then solve it.
MARTIN: I can’t solve it.
CAROLYN: Have you tried to solve it?
MARTIN: No.
CAROLYN: Then you don’t know if you can solve it, do you?
MARTIN: There’s a civil war in Mali. So Timbuktu’s closed to all air traffic.
CAROLYN: … Right. So you can’t solve it.
MARTIN: Thank you.
CAROLYN: Douglas, can you solve it?
DOUGLAS: I appreciate your faith, Carolyn, but I … I’m not sure even I can broker a peace deal in a civil war. Not in time for kick-off, anyway.
CAROLYN: Fine. I knew it was too good to be true. Who’s going to tell Birling?
MARTIN: Wait! Hang on – we can’t just give up!
CAROLYN: Well, you’re the one who said it was insolvable.
MARTIN: By me, not by you two. There must be something we can do. (He sighs.) Oh, I could really use that two thousand quid.
DOUGLAS: I know, I know, but what can we do?
MARTIN: Well, I don’t … I don’t suppose … I don’t suppose there’s anywhere that’s a bit like Timbuktu?
CAROLYN: What, d’you mean also famous for being far away?
MARTIN: No-no-no, I didn’t mean that. I mean, like, it … as in … looks like it, a bit, if you didn’t really know much about Timbuktu.
CAROLYN (surprised): Martin?!
DOUGLAS (impressed): Martin!
MARTIN: No, I know, I know, I didn’t mean it. I’m just … I’m just trying to, you know, come up with ideas.
DOUGLAS: No, Martin! That’s inspired!
MARTIN: Is it?
DOUGLAS: You’re a genius! An unexpectedly evil genius!
CAROLYN: You mean you know somewhere that we could …
DOUGLAS: Oh, plenty of places! There’s a little airfield on the island of Sardinia, for instance – Guspini. It’s perfect! It’s on the edge of the second biggest desert in Europe, and the chap who runs it is an old friend of mine.
MARTIN: Of course he is(!)
DOUGLAS: Couple of hundred Euros and I’m sure he’ll be only too pleased to be Timbuktuan for an hour or two. Three hundred and the engineers can probably knock up a “Welcome to Timbuktu” sign.
MARTIN: No, but that’s fraud!
DOUGLAS (smugly): Isn’t it, though? That’s why I’m so delighted you suggested it.
MARTIN: I didn’t mean … I-I wasn’t seriously …
DOUGLAS: Oh, don’t spoil it!
CAROLYN: Douglas, look: it’s a nice idea, but we cannot possibly …
DOUGLAS: Look, Birling’s always roaring drunk by the time we land anyway, and all he wants is a room to watch the rugby in and a sign saying, “Welcome to Timbuktu”, both of which Sardinia can provide – and neither of which, incidentally, Timbuktu can provide.
CAROLYN: But won’t he be a bit suspicious that everyone speaks Italian?
DOUGLAS: Why would he be? Mali was under Italian rule for decades.
MARTIN: Oh. Was it?
DOUGLAS: Of course not. But if you didn’t know that, why would he? It’s a great idea, honestly! I don’t know whether I’m more proud of you for thinking of it, or worried that I didn’t.
CAROLYN: I-I suppose if we got him really drunk …
DOUGLAS: That’s the spirit! And, of course, that’s where the twenty-five year old Talisker will come in so handy.
MARTIN: Oh, no, please, you two – no Talisker stuff! Not if we’re actually gonna do this.
DOUGLAS: Would you care to take one bottle, madam, or two?

~~~~~~~~~~

(Flight deck door opens.)
ARTHUR: Hi, chaps. Isn’t this exciting? I’ve always wanted to go to Timbuktu. It sounds brilliant – like a cross between a ...
DOUGLAS: No, wait. Let me guess. A cockatoo, obviously …
ARTHUR: Yes, yeah.
DOUGLAS: … and, um, errr … no, I give up.
ARTHUR: … and my friend Tim Buckley!
DOUGLAS: Of course! Silly of me!
ARTHUR: Oh, and I, er, I found that book you wanted, Douglas.
DOUGLAS: What book?
ARTHUR: About Timbuktu.
DOUGLAS: Oh, right. Yes, well, you hang on to that for now.
ARTHUR: Oh, okay. It’s about all of Africa really, but there’s a chapter on Mali and a page on Timbuktu. I’ve nearly finished it.
MARTIN: The book?
ARTHUR: The page. It sounds amazing. I can’t wait to see it!
MARTIN: Yes, but, Arthur, has no-one told you? We’re not actually going to …
DOUGLAS (interrupting): … to see much of Timbuktu. I mean, it’s straight out, watch the rugby in the airport, and back again.
ARTHUR: Well, yeah, but I bet at least I see some camels.
DOUGLAS: How much do you bet?
MARTIN (quietly): Douglas.
DOUGLAS: Never mind. Er, hadn’t you better go away and hoover something?
ARTHUR: Not really. We’re all ready to go.
DOUGLAS: Fine. Then go away and hoover nothing.
ARTHUR: Right-o!
(He leaves.)
MARTIN: So we’re not telling him about …?
DOUGLAS: What with him being the worst liar we know, I thought perhaps not.
MARTIN: Mmm.
(Flight deck door opens.)
CAROLYN: All right, he’s in. Do the briefing, Martin.
MARTIN (looking at paperwork): Right. Destination is Guspini, code named Timbuktu. For the avoidance of doubt, crew should note that any time Timbuktu is referred to, Guspini is meant.
DOUGLAS: Yes. I believe we’re up to speed with the deception.
MARTIN: In the unlikely circumstance the actual Timbuktu is referred to, the name is to be repeated twice.
DOUGLAS: How d’you mean?
MARTIN: Timbuktu-Timbuktu.
DOUGLAS: … means Guspini.
MARTIN: No! “Timbuktu” means Guspini; “Timbuktu-Timbuktu” means Timbuktu.
DOUGLAS: Oh, I see. But you only repeated it once.
MARTIN: I didn’t. I said “Timbuktu-Timbuktu”.
DOUGLAS: Exactly. You said it, and then you repeated it. If you’d repeated it twice, you’d have said, “Timbuktu-Timbuktu-Timbuktu.”
(Martin groans.)
CAROLYN: Yes, excuse me, but I’m trying to run an airline here, not an owl sanctuary. Get on with it!
MARTIN: All right. The alternate is Palermo, code named Uagadugu.
DOUGLAS: And if the real Uagadugu is meant?
MARTIN: I really can’t imagine circumstances under which we’ll need to refer to the real Uagadugu.
DOUGLAS: All right, but a good pilot is prepared for any eventuality, however …
MARTIN: ALL RIGHT! The code for the real Uagadugu is Uagadugu-Uagadugu.
DOUGLAS: Thank God we’re not going to Baden-Baden.

~~~~~~~~~~

(In flight.)
ARTHUR: Er, Mr. B?
MR. BIRLING: Go away.
ARTHUR: Yeah, will do. Er, but first, can myself draw yourself’s kindly attention to the sign that the captain has kindly en-illuminated in regard to the fastenation of your seatbelt during the current highly-unlikely event of turbulence?
MR. BIRLING: What?
ARTHUR: Could you do your seatbelt up?
MR. BIRLING: Certainly not! Do I look like a girl?
ARTHUR: You don’t at all look like a girl.
MR. BIRLING: Well then.
ARTHUR: Okay, well, it doesn’t really matter …
CAROLYN (calling from some distance away): Arthur!
ARTHUR: Right, yes, sorry, it does really matter these days.
MR. BIRLING: Since when?
ARTHUR: Since Mum said so.
CAROLYN (coming closer): Is there some problem, Mr. Birling?
MR. BIRLING: I don’t want my seatbelt on.
CAROLYN: Oh dear. Still, into every life a little rain must fall.
(Click.)
MR. BIRLING: Did you just …
CAROLYN: And now, to console you for your tragedy, can I get you a drink?
MR. BIRLING: Oh, well, um, perhaps a small whisky?
CAROLYN: By all means. Macallans, Johnnie Walker, or Glenlivet?
MR. BIRLING: What about my special whisky – the Talisker 25?
CAROLYN: Ah, yes. I’m afraid this trip was at such short notice, we didn’t have the chance to buy that in.
ARTHUR: Ooh, Mum …
CAROLYN: Er, thank you, Arthur. Not now.
MR. BIRLING (angrily): What?! You realise the only reason I fly on your toy aeroplane is that you carry the whisky I like!
ARTHUR: Yeah, really, Mum, it’s important.
CAROLYN: Thank you, Arthur. Code Red.
MR. BIRLING: You’re not the only people who could take me to Timbuktu, you know.
CAROLYN: You’d be surprised.
ARTHUR: Mum, I really think on this occasion, I-I should over-ride the Code Red! Because you’re forgetting that Douglas …
CAROLYN (loudly): Code Red, Arthur. Go away, go away fast, and go away now.
ARTHUR: Right, yes, will do, yeah.
CAROLYN: I will talk to you in the galley.
ARTHUR (nervously): No-no, you don’t have to. It’s fine – I get it now.
CAROLYN (firmly): No, I will talk to you in the galley.
ARTHUR (plaintively): … Okay.

~~~~~~~~~~

CAROLYN: Right. First of all, you never over-rule a Code Red.
ARTHUR: No, I know, Mum. I’m sorry.
CAROLYN (sternly): Yes. Why do you never over-rule a Code Red?
ARTHUR (sighing): Because the Code Red is there to stop me when I’m being too helpful, and I can’t stop being too helpful by being more helpful.
CAROLYN: Exactly. Good!
ARTHUR: Yes, but this time I wasn’t being too helpful! It’s just, Mr. Birling wanted the Talisker, and we want him to be happy, and you’d forgotten Douglas brought some Talisker in case you needed it!
CAROLYN: I hadn’t forgotten, Arthur. That is not why I asked him to bring it.
ARTHUR: Why, then?
CAROLYN: Because today, Arthur, is the Birling Day I steal the Talisker from Douglas Richardson!
ARTHUR: Ohhh!
CAROLYN: Ahhh! You get it now?
ARTHUR: Yeah! I completely get it! … Because normally it’s the other way around.
CAROLYN: Yes!
ARTHUR: Ooh, I do get it!
CAROLYN: So, do you know where Douglas has stashed it?
ARTHUR: Ooh, no – where?!
CAROLYN: I don’t know! I’m asking you!
ARTHUR: Why are you asking me? I don’t know.
CAROLYN: Yes, but I didn’t know you didn’t know until I … Oh, go and read your book.

~~~~~~~~~~

DOUGLAS: Okay, countries beginning with …
MARTIN: What? No! Douglas, we don’t have time for games. Can you just concentrate, please.
DOUGLAS: All right, Captain.
(Martin sighs.)
DOUGLAS: … On anything in particular?
MARTIN (anxiously): On the crime! On getting away with the crime!
DOUGLAS: I’d prefer to use the word “scheme”.
MARTIN: Yes, well, I’d prefer to use the word “hat”. But it’s not a hat; it’s a crime!
DOUGLAS: Martin, relax. I’ve done things like this hundreds of times.
MARTIN: Yes, and you got sacked from Air England.
DOUGLAS: Only once. I almost always didn’t. Trust me: it’s a perfectly good scheme and it’s all going to be fine.
(Martin groans.)
MARTIN: … Oh my God. What if he looks out of the window?
DOUGLAS: Mmm?
MARTIN: Well, when we’re landing. What if he sees we’re landing on an island? Africa’s not an island! Right …
(Bing bong)
DOUGLAS: Er, Martin. Are you about to make an announcement telling Mr. Birling not to look out of the window?
MARTIN: Of course I am!
DOUGLAS: Just maybe run that past your internal psychologist first.
(Flight deck door opens.)
CAROLYN: All right, drivers, where are we?
DOUGLAS: About an hour out from Timbuktu.
CAROLYN: What? But I thought the whole point was …
DOUGLAS: Although of course still a fair way from Timbuktu-Timbuktu.
CAROLYN: Oh, for heaven’s sake.
DOUGLAS: And how is Mr. Birling?
MARTIN (anxiously): Is he awake? Is he drunk? (In a stage whisper) Does he suspect?
CAROLYN: Oh, calm down, Martin! Course he doesn’t suspect. Until a few hours ago, he thought Timbuktu was either Chinese or fictional! However, he is fast sobering up.
MARTIN (panic-stricken): What? Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no! He needs to be drunk! That’s the key to the whole crime!
DOUGLAS: Well, you know what might help with that.
CAROLYN: Yes, I do. So – and can we please do this with the bare minimum of gloating – I will buy the Talisker.
DOUGLAS: An excellent choice. Madam could not have made a wiser decision.
CAROLYN: I said the bare minimum.
DOUGLAS: That’ll be three hundred pounds.
CAROLYN: Three hun… You said two hundred before.
DOUGLAS: Ah, that was the price in Fitton. Alas, the supply is scarcer up here.
CAROLYN: Fine. Three hundred.
DOUGLAS: Excellent.
CAROLYN: Well, get the bottle out, then.
DOUGLAS: Madam seems a little unfamiliar with how the whole buying process works.
CAROLYN: Oh, I’ll pay you when we get back.
(Douglas laughs sarcastically.)
DOUGLAS: Madam is a humourist.
MARTIN: Guys, please. Can we try and focus on the main …
CAROLYN: I don’t carry that sort of cash on trips.
DOUGLAS: Yes you do.
CAROLYN: Well, show me the bottle and I’ll give you the money.
DOUGLAS: Better yet, give me the money and I’ll get out the bottle.
CAROLYN: I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want it.
DOUGLAS: Just as you please. But I warn you: the prices are only going to rise.
MARTIN (increasingly frantically): Seriously, please, will both of you forget the whisky and concentrate on getting away with the CRIME?!
CAROLYN: Martin, for someone who can’t bear to hear the word “Sardinia”, you are making very free with the word “crime”.

~~~~~~~~~~

(Door to the plane opens.)
DOUGLAS: So, Martin, what do you think of Timbuktu?
MARTIN (quietly, nervously): Well, actually, it-it does look quite, you know, middle-of-Africa-ish, doesn’t it, actually, doesn’t it?
ARTHUR: What does?
MARTIN: Er, th-this does.
ARTHUR: Oh, yeah, well I can explain that, Skip. Er, Timbuktu is, in fact, in the middle of Africa, so, er, that’s why it looks like this.
MARTIN: Thank you, Arthur.
ARTHUR: Don’t mention it. I read the whole page of that book. I’m basically an expert on Timbuktu now.
CAROLYN (helping Mr. B down the steps): Right, there we go, Mr. Birling. Easy does it.
MR. BIRLING: Can’t you turn that down?
CAROLYN: The sun? Not very easily, I fear.
GIANCARLO (Italian accent): Hello! Hello!
MR. BIRLING: Who’s this, now?
DOUGLAS: Aha!
GIANCARLO: Welcome to Timbooktoo.
MR. BIRLING: Yes, yes, all right.
GIANCARLO: Because that is where you are, and we are glad to ’ave you ’ere in our glorious country of Timbooktoo.
DOUGLAS (quietly): Town.
GIANCARLO (quietly): Town?
DOUGLAS (quietly): Town.
GIANCARLO (louder): … town of Timbooktoo. See here our welcoming sign.
MR. BIRLING: What sign?
GIANCARLO: That one. The one that says Welcome to Timbooktoo.
MR. BIRLING: Mmm. Well …
GIANCARLO: No, no! No, have a proper look! We spent ages on that.
MR. BIRLING: Now then, you … What’s your name?
GIANCARLO: Giancarlo …
DOUGLAS (interrupting): Is it, though?
GIANCARLO: Oh, no-no-no-no, it’s, uh, it’s, uh, er …
DOUGLAS: Quick as you like.
GIANCARLO: Mandela.
DOUGLAS (resignedly): Terrific.
MR. BIRLING: Right, Mandela, you’ve got the rugby here, have you?
GIANCARLO: Well, er, of course. Italy’s first rugby World Cup final in history – everyone in the country is watching.
MR. BIRLING: Really? Why?
DOUGLAS: Ah, well, you have to remember Mali was part of the Italian Empire for a long time. The ties run deep.
MR. BIRLING: Oh. Was it?
ARTHUR: Er, no, Douglas, you’re thinking of France. Mali was in the French Empire.
DOUGLAS: No, Arthur …
ARTHUR: Yeah, no, definitely. It was in my book.
DOUGLAS: Well, Mr. Birling, I think that concludes the greetings.
MR. BIRLING: Something odd’s going on here.
MARTIN (frantically): No it isn’t!
DOUGLAS: Not at all.
MR. BIRLING: Where you fellows have got lucky is that the match is about to start, so I don’t care.
DOUGLAS: An attitude that does you great credit. Shall we escort you to the crew room?

~~~~~~~~~~

(Sound of rummaging in GERTI’s flight deck.)
CAROLYN: Right.
(Locker door opening and closing.)
CAROLYN: No, no, no. Too obvious.
(More rummaging. The flight deck door opens.)
MARTIN: Carolyn?
(Carolyn yelps in surprise.)
CAROLYN: Oh, it’s you. What are you doing here?
MARTIN: It’s my flight deck. What are you doing here?
CAROLYN: It’s my aeroplane. Now, help me search for Douglas’ Talisker.
MARTIN: Carolyn, please! Forget about the bloody Talisker!
CAROLYN: The flight deck’s the only place he’s had time to hide it. It’s not in the locker or in the foot wells or under the seats … Maybe it’s inside one of the seats.
(She starts to rummage.)
MARTIN: No it’s not.
CAROLYN: What?
MARTIN (hesitantly): … It’s … probably … not in the seats.
CAROLYN: You know where it is.
MARTIN (hastily): Okay, I’m going back to the crew room now.
CAROLYN (sternly): Tell me where it is, Martin.
MARTIN: Carolyn, if I’ve learned anything after five years at MJN Air, it’s never to get involved with Talisker on Birling Day. Goodbye.
[Transcriber’s note: Yes, he does actually say “MGN Air”. Shame on you, Benedict!]
CAROLYN: I’ll give you a hundred pounds.
MARTIN: I can’t. Douglas’d make my life a misery.
CAROLYN: As will I if you don’t.
MARTIN (plaintively): I’ve got to go!
(Flight deck door closes.)
CAROLYN (loudly): Two hundred pounds!
(Flight deck door opens again.)
MARTIN: Two hundred?
CAROLYN: Yes.
MARTIN (sighing): It’s in the avionics bay.
CAROLYN: Where?
MARTIN: Under the floor hatch.
CAROLYN (lifting the hatch): I never knew there was a hatch.
MARTIN: No, well, he didn’t think you did.
(Knocking on main door)
MARTIN: Quick! Quick-quick-quick!
CAROLYN: Ah, got it!
MR. BIRLING (from outside): Hello! Are you in there?
(Sound of Mr. B trying to open the door.)
MARTIN: Mr. Birling?
MR. BIRLING (rattling the door): Open up, damn you!
(Martin opens the door.)
MR. BIRLING: Ah.
ARTHUR: Hi! It’s us!
DOUGLAS: Why was the door locked?
MARTIN: Mr. Birling! What’s the matter?
CAROLYN: Why aren’t you watching the rugby?
MR. BIRLING: Because rugby … is dead.
MARTIN: Oh … dear.
DOUGLAS: Italy are leading thirty-eight to three at half time. Mr. Birling feels he’s seen enough.
MR. BIRLING: Yes, and heard enough of that awful Mandela chap singing.
DOUGLAS: Mr. Mandela has managed to overcome the natural apathy of the neutrals.
MARTIN (anxiously): Oh, dear, I-I am sorry, Mr. Birling. Still, home early for us, then. Er, we-we’re actually nearly ready to go, so if you’d like to …
ARTHUR: Aww, do we have to go?
MARTIN: Yes we do.
ARTHUR: Only, if we’ve got some spare time, can’t we take Mr. Birling to see the sights?
MARTIN and DOUGLAS and CAROLYN (simultaneously): No.
ARTHUR: Oh! We could borrow Mr. Mandela’s car!
MARTIN and DOUGLAS and CAROLYN (simultaneously): No!
MR. BIRLING: I don’t want to see the sights.
MARTIN: There – he doesn’t want to see the sights.
CAROLYN: So, everyone back on board.
ARTHUR: But-but you could take some more pictures to show your wife!
MR. BIRLING: Oh, there is that, I suppose.
MARTIN: No. I-I’m sorry, Mr. Birling. I’m gonna have to put my foot down. We really don’t have time.
(There’s a short silence.)
MR. BIRLING: I want to see the sights.
DOUGLAS: Well played, Martin.
ARTHUR: Brilliant! I’m gonna get to see some of Africa after all.
DOUGLAS: Yes, Arthur. Yes you are.

~~~~~~~~~~

(In a car.)
ARTHUR: … Yellow car.
MR. BIRLING: Can’t you do something to stop him saying that?
CAROLYN: Trust me; there is no power on Earth.
ARTHUR: It’s funny, though: it was another Fiat.
DOUGLAS (sarcastically): Was it really?
ARTHUR: Yeah! Loads of Fiats, aren’t there? I had no idea they were so popular in Timbuktu.
MARTIN: Arthur …
ARTHUR: It’s just, my book was saying that most transport is still camels and donkeys, but I haven’t seen a camel all journey!
DOUGLAS: I did warn you you might not.
ARTHUR: I’ll call out if I see one.
MR. BIRLING (grumpily): Do not do that!
ARTHUR: No, no, it’s fine. I don’t mind. I’ll make it part of the game. Are camels yellow? They’re sort of yellow-ish, aren’t they – kind of yellowy-browny. Is there a name for that colour?
CAROLYN: Yes, dear. It’s called “camel”.
ARTHUR: Oh, brilliant! So if I see one, I can just say, “Camel camel!”
DOUGLAS: Good idea. And that way we’ll know it’s a real camel.
CAROLYN (tetchily): Douglas.
ARTHUR: Oh dear, the road’s getting really steep, isn’t it?
CAROLYN: Yes, well, these, er, rough desert pathways … it’s-it’s not surprising they’re a bit, um …
ARTHUR: Well, it is a bit surprising, Mum, because the book was saying the Sahara’s one of the flattest places in the world!
MARTIN (nervously): You’ve really been getting into that book, haven’t you?
ARTHUR: Yeah. Well, Mum’s been saying for years I don’t read enough, so I thought I’d …
MARTIN (exasperated): … you thought you’d start now. Great. Okay, I’ve got a game: let’s see who can stay the most shut-up for longest.
ARTHUR: No, I’m terrible at that. No, you lot play, though. I’ll keep you amused. … Oh, look! Another pizzeria! They really love their pizza in Mali, don’t they? That’s the fourth one we’ve seen.
CAROLYN (resigned): Yes, and you’ve drawn attention to every single one.
ARTHUR: Yeah, well, because it’s so surprising! ’Cause like I told you, Mali was part of the French Empire, so you’d think, if anything, there would be more …
(The car screeches to a halt.)
MARTIN: Oh dear. The car’s stuck.
ARTHUR: Is it? It doesn’t seem …
MARTIN: Yes! It’s stuck! Everyone out and help push. Not-not you, Mr. Birling, of course. You’re-you’re our guest.
(They get out of the car.)
MARTIN (in an urgent whisper): Arthur, please. SHUT UP!
ARTHUR: What? I didn’t say anything.
DOUGLAS: You’ve done nothing but say things since we started.
ARTHUR: Oh, you mean my interesting facts about Timbuktu.
CAROLYN: Arthur, we are not in Timbuktu. We are in Sardinia, which is an island in Italy.
(Stunned silence, then Arthur gasps.)
ARTHUR: … I thought we were …
CAROLYN: Yes, I know you did; and so does Mr. Birling, so please, stop loudly pointing out how much unlike the centre of Africa everything is.
(The car door opens.)
MR. BIRLING: All right. What on Earth is going on?
CAROLYN: No, no. No, no. Everything’s fine. It’s all fixed.
MR. BIRLING: How is it fixed? You haven’t done anything. You’ve just stood there talking. No, there’s something very odd going on here. The idiot boy is right. This is a very big hill for a desert. What’s going on?
MARTIN and DOUGLAS and CAROLYN (simultaneously): Nothing.
MR. BIRLING: You’re very quiet suddenly.
(Arthur whimpers.)
MR. BIRLING: I said, what’s going on?
(Arthur whines.)
MR. BIRLING: What. Is. Going. On?
ARTHUR (hysterically, rapidly): Nothing! Nothing’s going on! We’re in Timbuktu, and everything’s totally normal and you can get pizzas anywhere these days, and camels are really shy actually and it’s nothing like Sardinia, which I’ve never been to, and I’m not going to, and I’m definitely not in now!
CAROLYN: Arthur! Stop talking!
ARTHUR (high-pitched, rapidly): I don’t think I can remember how!
CAROLYN: Someone else say something! Anything!
MARTIN (panic stricken): Er, er, er, er … Oh, look over there, Mr. Birling! From up here, you can see the sea!
MR. BIRLING (grimly): The sea?
DOUGLAS: Well, maybe not quite anything.

~~~~~~~~~~

(Back in GERTI.)
MARTIN (tiredly): Fuel balanced, Douglas.
DOUGLAS (flatly): Good-o.
(Flight deck door opens.)
CAROLYN: Well, we’ve come to an arrangement.
MARTIN: Yes?
CAROLYN: He’s not going to sue us.
MARTIN (sighing with relief): Good.
CAROLYN: … or pay us.
DOUGLAS: Ah.
MARTIN: So essentially we’ve taken a multi-millionaire on a free day-trip to the Mediterranean.
CAROLYN: That’s about the size of it, yes.
DOUGLAS: Well, it’s good to give something back, isn’t it?
MARTIN: I’m really sorry, Carolyn.
CAROLYN: No, it’s all right. You only finished what Arthur started.
DOUGLAS: Yes. It’s been a topsy-turvy sort of Birling Day, hasn’t it? We flew away from the rugby; Mr. Birling got soberer and soberer; and Arthur ruined everything with his knowledge and erudition.
ARTHUR: I did, didn’t I?
MARTIN: I don’t think he meant you to be proud.
ARTHUR: No, no. … I am a bit, though.
CAROLYN: Oh, and, er, one other thing, Douglas. I stole the Talisker from you.
(Clink of a bottle.)
DOUGLAS: Carolyn! How did you find it?
MARTIN: I told her, Douglas.
DOUGLAS: You told her?
MARTIN: Yes.
DOUGLAS: I see. And how much did she pay you for that little betrayal?
MARTIN: Two hundred pounds.
(Short pause.)
MARTIN: Here’s your hundred.
DOUGLAS: Thank you very much.
CAROLYN: What?
MARTIN: Really sorry, Carolyn. But what I’ve actually learned after five years at MJN is never to side against Douglas on Birling Day.
DOUGLAS: So I’m rather afraid, Carolyn, that while you may have stolen the Talisker, you didn’t steal … oh, could you pass me the operations manual, Martin?
MARTIN: Certainly, Douglas.
(Sound of the manual being moved, followed by a clink of another bottle.)
DOUGLAS: … the Talisker-Talisker.


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Mertxines

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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  Mertxines el Lun Ene 28, 2013 4:08 am

SERIE 4 - EPISODIO 2 - USKERTY
=============================

(Distant sound of an airport tannoy bing-bing-bong.)
ARTHUR: Morning, chaps! Look! I’m an Irish guy!
DOUGLAS: Arthur, in three days in Cork, have you seen anyone wearing a green top hat with a shamrock on it?!
ARTHUR (in a diabolical Irish accent): Oi have noww, to be shure!
MARTIN: What’s that?! Irish pirate?
ARTHUR (in his equally diabolical Australian accent): It’s not up there with my Orstralian, I admit! (In his normal voice) Er, anyway, Mum’s just coming. Er, she says don’t file the flight plan yet.
MARTIN: I already have.
ARTHUR: Okay. Er, ooh, and Douglas, um, storm warning.
DOUGLAS: Ah. Thank you, Arthur. What gale force?
ARTHUR: Er, what does it go up to again? Is it, is it ten?
DOUGLAS: Twelve.
ARTHUR: I’d say ... eight.
DOUGLAS: Oh dear.
MARTIN: No, I-I-I’ve just picked up the weather. There’s lots of rain, but no storms.
DOUGLAS: We’re not talking about the weather.
(Approaching footsteps.)
CAROLYN: Martin, have you filed the flight plan?
MARTIN: Yes, I’ve ...
CAROLYN: Why? I specifically told Arthur to tell you not to.
MARTIN: But he’s only just ...
CAROLYN (interrupting): I don’t want to hear your excuses. Go and change it.
(Martin sighs in exasperation.)
CAROLYN: We’re stopping off in Kilkenny on the way home.
MARTIN: Kilkenny? Why?
CAROLYN: Let me answer your question with a question: what does it say in big letters on GERTI’s tail?
MARTIN: MJN.
CAROLYN: And what does that stand for?
MARTIN: My Jet Now.
CAROLYN: Whose Jet Now?
MARTIN: Your Jet Now.
CAROLYN: And that’s why we’re going to Kilkenny. Be ready in twenty minutes.
MARTIN: But ...
CAROLYN (walking away): Twenty minutes!
(Martin sighs again.)
ARTHUR: That’s an eight, isn’t it?
DOUGLAS: Definitely. Gusting to ten.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(On board GERTI. Bing-bong.)
DOUGLAS: Lady and gentleman, welcome aboard this MJN flight from Cork to Kilkenny. That means a distance of about seventy miles, which means we have a flight time today roughly equivalent to that of a gently-lobbed Frisbee. Well, we’re nearing the top of our ascent now, so I’ll leave you to relax and enjoy the flight, but the captain will speak to you a little later on when we’re nearing our destination.
(Immediately: bing-bong, bing-bong.)
MARTIN: Lady and gentleman, we’re about to begin our descent into Kilkenny. I do hope you had a restful flight, maybe got some sleep, enjoyed a movie or two ...
(Flight deck door opens.)
ARTHUR: Er, hi chaps, er, Mum says ... It basically boils down to ‘Please could you stop?’
DOUGLAS: She said, ‘Please’?!
ARTHUR: No, I added that. Er, but I took out quite a lot of other stuff.
DOUGLAS: I see. It’s a definite Force ten now, then, is it?
ARTHUR: I think it is, yes.
MARTIN: And d’you know why we’re stopping in Kilkenny?
ARTHUR: Yeah, yeah. She, er, she wants to buy Herc a birthday present.
MARTIN: A present? That she can only get from Kilkenny? What is it?
ARTHUR: I don’t know. But actually it’s from a little village outside Kilkenny.
DOUGLAS: So she expects us all to wait around while she goes shopping for her boyfriend.
ARTHUR: Okay, can I just ask, Douglas – if you say that to her, er, don’t call Herc her boyfriend, don’t call it shopping, and also probably don’t say any of it.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(Squeal of GERTI’s entrance door opening. Footsteps walk down the steps, then stop. As Carolyn speaks, her voice echoes.)
CAROLYN (calling out): Er, h-hello? Hello-o! Anyone home?
ARTHUR: This is a bit spooky, isn’t it? D’you think it’s haunted?
DOUGLAS: I wouldn’t have thought so, Arthur, no.
ARTHUR: Well, you know, everyone’s more ancient in Ireland, isn’t it?
DOUGLAS: Not the airports.
CAROLYN (calling out): Hello-o!
(A door opens.)
GERRY (Irish accent): Hello, hello! Ah, you’ll be MJN Air.
CAROLYN: That’s right, yes.
GERRY: Grand. Hello! Welcome to Kilkenny. I’m Gerry; I’m the Airport Manager. Please make yourself at home. Anything you want, just ...
CAROLYN: I’d like a taxi.
GERRY: Sure. That’s no problem at all. And if you’d like a coffee first, we’ve got a little café ...
CAROLYN: I’d like a taxi, straightaway please, to a village called Uskerty.
[She pronounces it US-ker-ty.]
GERRY: Ah, Uskerty.
[He pronounces it Us-KER-ty.]
GERRY: Oh, yes, I think I know it. My sister’s best friend from school had a ...
CAROLYN (interrupting): Did she really? What a small world. What a super story, yes. So tell them to pick us up straightaway.
GERRY: Right you are. If you’d just like to follow me, I’ll quickly stamp your passports.
CAROLYN: Why? Has Kilkenny declared independence?
GERRY: Sorry?
CAROLYN: We’ve come from Cork!
GERRY: Oh, right! Still, if you wanted to get them stamped anyway as a souvenir ...
ARTHUR: Ooh, yes please!
CAROLYN: No, thank you. A taxi, please, straightaway, to Manor Farm, Uskerty.
[She still pronounces it wrong.]
CAROLYN: And can we book a take-off slot in one hour’s time.
GERRY: Sure; but don’t feel you need to rush off. So long as you’re gone before dusk ...
CAROLYN (interrupting): An hour’s time, please. Douglas, Arthur: wait here; Martin: you’re coming with me.
MARTIN: Huh? Why?
CAROLYN: I need you to help carry something.
MARTIN: I don’t want to carry ...
CAROLYN (interrupting): Martin. Only Father Christmas cares about what you want. I am telling you what you are going to do.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(A clock chimes.)
MRS HERLIHY (Irish accent): Now then: will you have another piece of seed cake?
CAROLYN: Oh, that’s very kind of you, Mrs Herlihy, but no.
MRS HERLIHY: Are you sure? I make it myself, you know.
CAROLYN: Yes, I thought you probably did. Now, I don’t want to rush you, but perhaps we could see ...
MRS HERLIHY: Oh, of course, yes. I-I’ll fetch him for you.
(Door closes. Martin sighs.)
CAROLYN: Martin.
MARTIN: Hmm?
CAROLYN: Put this in your pocket.
MARTIN: What? No! What is it?
CAROLYN: My seed cake. Quick!
MARTIN: No! Why!
CAROLYN: It’s revolting!
MARTIN: But ... then leave it.
CAROLYN: No! I don’t want to offend her.
MARTIN: Oh, oh, suddenly you’re worried about offending people!
CAROLYN: People who own extremely-hard-to-find objects I want to buy from them, yes. Whiny pilots, not at all. Here.
(Sounds of struggling and indignant noises from Martin as he tries to stop her shoving her cake into his pocket.)
CAROLYN: Stop fussing!
(Door opens.)
MRS HERLIHY: Here we are. Isn’t he a beauty?
CAROLYN: Ooh, my, yes. Isn’t he just?
MRS HERLIHY: His name’s Finn McCool the Third ... well, it was.
CAROLYN: Herc’s going to love him.
MARTIN: Er, is he?
CAROLYN: Of course he is. (To Mrs Herlihy) It’s a present for a friend.
MRS HERLIHY: Oh, how lovely! Is he very fond of sheep?
CAROLYN: Oh, enormously. Yes, especially stuffed.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(Sound of a passport being stamped.)
GERRY: There we go.
ARTHUR: Brilliant!
GERRY: D’you want one on the other page too?
ARTHUR: Oh, yes please.
(Sound of the passport being stamped again.)
GERRY: There you go. Now, Douglas, how about you?
DOUGLAS: It’s kind of you, but I’m fine.
GERRY: Right you are. Now then, what else can I show you?
DOUGLAS: Actually, Gerry, I-I don’t mean to be rude but I’ve been a pilot for thirty-four years. I’m pretty familiar with airports.
GERRY: Just the security gate, then. It’s all brand new! Only I went on a special course and everything, and I’ve only used it maybe twice.
ARTHUR: Brilliant! I’ll have a go!
GERRY: Great!
DOUGLAS: Really, Arthur?
ARTHUR: Yeah! I love going through the X-ray gate! It’s a bit like a game show, isn’t it? There’s always that moment of ‘Will I make the buzzer go? Will I make the buzzer go?! Yes! I didn’t make the buzzer go!’ Or ‘Ohhh, I made the buzzer go!’
GERRY (laughing happily): All right, then! Well, follow me!
DOUGLAS: I think I might leave you to it and ...
ARTHUR: Oh, come on, Douglas! It’ll be fun! We’ll make a game of it! Like, one of us could put something metal in our pocket and see if the machine can tell which one of us it is!
DOUGLAS: I think the machine can tell that. That is the whole point of the machine.
ARTHUR: Yeah, well, let’s see. There’s lots of things that they’re the whole point of me that I don’t do.
DOUGLAS: Like what?
ARTHUR: Floss. Don’t tell Mum.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(Outdoors.)
CAROLYN: Well, where’s the taxi gone? I told her I’d only be ten minutes.
MARTIN: Mmm, yes you did, half an hour ago.
CAROLYN: All the more reason she should be here now. Move Finn McCool in a bit. He’s getting damp.
MARTIN: So am I!
CAROLYN: Yeah, no doubt, but I didn’t just pay eighty-five Euros for you.
MARTIN: You didn’t pay anything for me.
CAROLYN: Exactly.
MARTIN (sighing): So, dare I ask you why you’ve bought your boyfriend a stuffed sheep?
CAROLYN: He is not my boyfriend.
MARTIN: Yeah, yeah, fine: your partner.
CAROLYN: He is certainly not my partner.
MARTIN: Well, what is he, then?
CAROLYN: He is ... a man I know.
MARTIN: Right. Well, then, why you’ve bought your man you know a sheep.
CAROLYN: Oh, didn’t you know? Herc hates sheep.
MARTIN: Hates them?
CAROLYN: Yes! Loathes them! He’s got a sort of phobia about them.
MARTIN: And you’ve gone to a great deal of trouble and expense to get him the worst possible birthday present you can imagine.
CAROLYN: Exactly. Isn’t it perfect?!
MARTIN: Err, in ... in a way.
(A car pulls up.)
CAROLYN: Ah. Here you are. Where did you go?
BREEDA (Irish accent): Where did you go? You said ten minutes.
CAROLYN: Yes, but I am the customer, and the customer is always right.
MARTIN: That’s a bit of a policy change for you, isn’t it?
CAROLYN: Be quiet. And get Finn McCool inside before he gets any wetter.
BREEDA: Hang on. What’s that?
CAROLYN: Oh, I’m sorry. Do you not have these in Ireland? It’s called a sheep.
MARTIN: Carolyn.
BREEDA: We do have them, as it happens, yes. But we keep them in fields, not in other people’s cars.
CAROLYN: Yes, well, I’m afraid Finn McCool’s days in the fields are behind him. Martin, see if you can wedge him in with all the ...
BREEDA (interrupting): I’m saying you can’t carry it in this taxi.
CAROLYN: Don’t be ridiculous.
MARTIN (urgently): Carolyn!
CAROLYN: What?
MARTIN: Look, just-just let me.
(He puts on an awful Irish accent which possibly even Arthur could do better. Maybe.)
MARTIN: Hello, dere! Hello and hi to you! I’m-I’m Martin – Marty to m’friends. Sorry about my friend. She has, er, the devil of a temper on her!
CAROLYN (indignantly): I do not!
MARTIN (still in the shocking accent): ... as you can see. But I was just wonderin’, given that the olde sheep is more a piece of furniture now, whether you might not be ... all roight with dat?
BREEDA: Where are you from?
MARTIN (in his normal accent): Wokingham.
BREEDA: Right, so, look, the thing is: people have allergies. This is an animal-free car.
MARTIN: Oh, right, yes, of course. But-but perhaps if we were to give you an extra ... uh ... thirty Euros, say, to cover the cost of getting your taxi deep cleaned?
CAROLYN: Thirty Euros?! I’m not paying an extra thirty Euros!
BREEDA: No, you’re not. You’re paying an extra forty, or you’re staying here ’til you can get another cab.
MARTIN: Forty Euros will be fine. Thank you.
CAROLYN: Oh, will it indeed? Well, I’m going to stop it out of your wages.
MARTIN: That’ll be a good trick if you can do it.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(High-pitched beeping.)
GERRY (cheerfully): Ah! Ah, she’s got it!
ARTHUR: Yes! Yes! It was in my sock! I never thought it would look there! Let’s go again!
DOUGLAS: Actually, Arthur, I think I might cool off with a quiet read of my paper. The excitement’s getting to me.
ARTHUR (disappointed): Ohh!
GERRY: You sure there’s nothing else I can show you? Er, the kiosk. Ooh, the baggage carousel!
ARTHUR (excitedly): Ooh!
DOUGLAS: No, Arthur.
GERRY: What about the tannoy?
(Arthur exhales delightedly.)
GERRY: Would you not like a quick go on the tannoy?
ARTHUR: Oh, Douglas! Please?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(Triple tone of the airport tannoy.)
ARTHUR (over the tannoy, in his Captain Wing Commander Sir Arthur Shappey voice): Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please. This is the Airport speaking. Listen to the Airport. Flight 202-02-02 is now ready for boarding at Gate … Eight. It isn’t late. It will not wait. If you want to be on that aeroplane ... it’s time to get on the aeroplane now. If you have young children ... put them on the aeroplane. If you have any hand baggage ... put it on the aeroplane. If you have any bombs ... they’re not allowed on the aeroplane. Please put them ... in the bin! Okay, bye! Love, the Airport.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(In the taxi.)
CAROLYN: Is this the fastest you can go?
BREEDA: No, but it’s the fastest I’m going to go.
CAROLYN: We are late. We have to take off before dusk.
BREEDA: Yes, I know how it is with these emergency stuffed sheep deliveries. But with rain like this and these blind corners, you can’t really take any chances.
CAROLYN: Yeah, well you’re certainly not doing that.
BREEDA: Well, you know what they say: better twenty minutes late in this life ...
CAROLYN: Oh, please. Don’t start being charming at me. I can stand being late; I cannot stand being charmed.
(The car slows down and stops.)
MARTIN: Oh God. No, no, no, no, no.
CAROLYN: Why have you stopped? Don’t stop! That is the opposite of what I want!
MARTIN (hissing through gritted teeth): Carolyn!
BREEDA: Well now, why don’t we make a little race of it?
CAROLYN: What?
BREEDA: You get to the airport the fastest way you know how, and I’ll get there the fastest I know how. Out you get.
CAROLYN: Oh, don’t be ridiculous.
MARTIN (angrily): Carolyn! (To Breeda) Please.
(He puts on his Irish accent again, making it even worse by making his tone sing-song.)
MARTIN: We’re very, very sorry.
BREEDA: I said OUT!
(Car doors open.)
BREEDA: And take that horrible sheep with you!
MARTIN: Oh, couldn’t you at least take the sheep?
BREEDA (angrily): No I could not!
(The car door slams and Breeda drives away.)
MARTIN: Great. Well done, Carolyn.
CAROLYN: Oh, I see. This is my fault, is it?
(Martin sighs in exasperation.)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(Triple tone of the airport tannoy.)
DOUGLAS (over tannoy): Your attention please. This is an important message for all passengers hoping to fly to Nottingham.
(Pause.)
DOUGLAS (slowly, pointedly, over tannoy): Raise your ambitions.
ARTHUR: Okay, my turn!
DOUGLAS (fed up): No, come on. We said that was the last one. Lovely to meet you, Gerry. Thanks for showing us round.
GERRY: My pleasure. Nice to get some use out of ... Oh! What am I thinking?! The bar! Now, you will just have a quick drink at the bar, won’t you? And then you’ve done everything. On the house!
DOUGLAS: It’s very kind of you, but unfortunately Arthur here doesn’t much like alcohol.
ARTHUR: Except peach schnapps.
GERRY: Oh, I think we’ve got some ...
DOUGLAS (interrupting): ... which, as he’ll remember, he’s never allowed ever again.
ARTHUR: That’s true. I’m not.
GERRY: Why not?
DOUGLAS: Have you seen the film Gremlins?
GERRY: Yes.
DOUGLAS: Peach schnapps is to Arthur as water is to gremlins.
ARTHUR (confidentially): I was terrifying!
DOUGLAS: And I, of course, have a plane to fly in an hour or so, and the CAA prefer me to keep off the sauce on those occasions.
ARTHUR: Oh, and anyway, you never drink ...
DOUGLAS (talking over him): So thank you very much, but no.
GERRY: We’ve got soft drinks too. Loads of soft drinks.
ARTHUR (gasping excitedly): Have you got pineapple juice?
GERRY: Have we got pineapple juice?! We’ve got cartons and cartons of the stuff! No-one ever asks for it!
ARTHUR: Brilliant! Aww, Douglas, can we? Please?
DOUGLAS (resignedly): One quick one.
ARTHUR (triumphantly): Yes!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


CAROLYN: Well, what d’you want? Sackcloth and ashes?
MARTIN: No. I just want you to say sorry.
CAROLYN: Oh, don’t be so childish.
MARTIN: It’s not childish...
(Carolyn makes urgent shushing sounds.)
CAROLYN: Here comes another one.
(A vehicle approaches. The two of them call out to it.)
MARTIN: Hello, hello!
CAROLYN: Please stop!
MARTIN: Please! Hello! Stop!
(The vehicle keeps going. Martin sighs.)
CAROLYN: It would help if you could try to look a little less ... peculiar.
MARTIN: Oh, I’m sorry, but it’s quite hard to not look peculiar when you’re in uniform, soaked to the skin and carrying a dead sheep.
CAROLYN: I wish you would stop going on and on and on about the sheep.
MARTIN: I promise I will as soon as you let me throw it in a ditch!
CAROLYN: It cost me eighty-five Euros!
MARTIN: Then at least let me and the sheep hide behind a tree until you get them to stop and then we could ...
CAROLYN: Oh, I see, I see. You think they’re more likely to stop for a poor little old lady alone in the rain, do you?
MARTIN: ... Yes. All right, since you ask me, yes I do.
CAROLYN: Well I am not a poor little old lady.
MARTIN: Oh, God knows I’m aware of that.
CAROLYN: The tree, though. The tree might be useful.
MARTIN: Really? What are you gonna do? Whittle us a motorbike?
CAROLYN: No. But from the top you might be able to get phone reception.
MARTIN: From the top?
CAROLYN: Yes! Come on! Up you go! Chop-chop!
MARTIN: I don’t climb trees!
CAROLYN: No-no, well, maybe not recently, but I’m sure you climbed thousands in your carefree boyhood. Come on. Swarm up it.
MARTIN: No, I didn’t! I never climbed trees.
CAROLYN: Then start now.
MARTIN: Oh, for the love of ...
(He starts to climb.)
CAROLYN: That’s my boy.
MARTIN (grunting as he climbs): This isn’t what you pay me for, you know.
CAROLYN: No. It’s a bonus! Lucky me.
MARTIN: Not that you pay me for anything, of course.
CAROLYN: I’ve told you before: I would love to pay you if I had it to pay, but I simply don’t. Oh, there, there – the one by your right foot. Yes! Yes, that’s right.
MARTIN (getting more breathless as he climbs): I could start looking for another job, you know.
CAROLYN: Oh, good heavens. Aren’t you already?
MARTIN: Of course not.
CAROLYN: Well, why ever not? There’s a knot-hole by your left knee.
MARTIN: Ow. Well, you know, er, loyalty.
CAROLYN (her voice getting louder as Martin gets higher): Oh, Martin, no! I don’t want to lose you but you really ought to be looking for other jobs! I assumed you were! Careful! I think that branch is dead!
MARTIN: Hmm?
(A branch cracks as he puts his weight on it. He yelps.)
CAROLYN: Yes, I thought so.
(Martin pants for breath.)
MARTIN: But what would happen to MJN?
[Benedict! Will you stop calling it MGN?!]
MARTIN: Well, you wouldn’t be able to find any other free pilot.
CAROLYN: No, well, we’d fold; but Martin, we’re going to fold sooner or later!
MARTIN (determinedly): No we’re not!
CAROLYN: Of course we are! We’ve been on borrowed time for years! And you’ll-you’ll look far better applying as an employed pilot than an unemployed one.
MARTIN (panting with the effort of climbing): Carolyn, I didn’t realise that ...
CAROLYN: Uh, try there. Anything?
MARTIN: Uh ... yes, yes! Yes! I’ve got a bar.
(Still panting, he dials a number. It rings out, then it’s answered.)
DOUGLAS (over phone): Hello?
MARTIN: Douglas! It’s me.
DOUGLAS: Hello, Martin. Are you back?
MARTIN: Er, no. We got thrown out of a taxi and now I’m up a tree.
DOUGLAS: Gosh. Quite a powerful throw.
MARTIN: Can you send out another taxi?
DOUGLAS: Certainly. What’s the address?
MARTIN: The address?
DOUGLAS: Yes. Where d’you want the cab sent?
MARTIN: To-to us. To where we are. It’s-it’s a road, i-in the rain, uh, with a tree.
DOUGLAS: Hmm. Are you hearing the problem?
MARTIN: Come on!
DOUGLAS: All right. Well, what can you see from there? Maybe we can work out where you are.
MARTIN: Right. Er, well, there’s fields ... and more trees, and, um, ooh, this way there’s a ... there’s a bee.
DOUGLAS: I think we may need slightly more reliable landmarks than individual insects.
MARTIN: S-several bees. Ooh. Oh. Ooh! Ooh! Bees! Carolyn! Lots of lots of lots of bees! Er, i-in the dead branch! A lot!
CAROLYN: Well, don’t shout! Just climb down! Climb down!
MARTIN (in a loud whisper): No. I don’t think I should move. I don’t think the bees would like it! I think I’ll just keep very still, and maybe the bees will forget me!
CAROLYN (flatly): Oh, terrific. I’m stranded in the middle of Ireland with Captain Winnie the Pooh.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(Recorded jazz music playing in the airport bar.)
DOUGLAS: Oh, he’s rung off.
ARTHUR: Are they all right?
DOUGLAS: Yes. They seem to have stopped off to climb a tree.
ARTHUR (disappointed): Oh. I’d have loved that.
GERRY: Here we are, gentlemen. One pineapple juice on the rocks; one pineapple juice straight up.
(Sound of the glasses being put onto the bar.)
DOUGLAS: Cheers.
ARTHUR: Cheers.
(They clink glasses. Douglas takes a drink and sighs in satisfaction.)
DOUGLAS: That’s the stuff.
ARTHUR: Is it?
DOUGLAS: Not remotely, but it’s nice to pretend now and again.
GERRY: Cocktail olive?
DOUGLAS: Don’t mind if I do, Gerry.
ARTHUR (nonchalantly): Don’t mind if I do either, Gerry.
(Pause.)
ARTHUR: Eurgh! Oh, it turns out I mind a lot.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(Martin and Carolyn call out to another approaching vehicle.)
MARTIN: Hello, hello, please, please, hello, stop!
CAROLYN: Ah, hello! No, stop!
MARTIN: Hello!
(The vehicle drives past.)
CAROLYN: Oh.
(Martin sighs.)
CAROLYN: How’s your hand, Martin?
MARTIN: It’s ... fine.
CAROLYN: Let me see. ... Hmm. Is-is-is that the one you landed on?
MARTIN: No, this is the one I landed on. This is the one the bee stung me on.
CAROLYN: Mmm. That finger’s swelling. You should take that ring off.
MARTIN: No, I can’t.
CAROLYN: You can. Just-just let your finger relax and ...
MARTIN: No, I mean I never, ever take it off. It was my Dad’s signet ring. I haven’t taken it off since his funeral.
CAROLYN: Oh, I see. Well, that-that’s nice.
MARTIN: Thank you.
CAROLYN: Of course, if you don’t take it off now and your finger keeps swelling, the paramedics will have to cut it off; or, if they’re too late, your finger will just ... burst.
MARTIN: All right, all right! I’m taking it off.
CAROLYN: Good! Put it in your pocket.
MARTIN: Yes! All right! Oh ... there-there-there’s one coming. Now look, Carolyn, please. You’re absolutely and totally not a little old lady, but-but dusk is in forty-eight minutes.
(He starts moving away from the road.)
MARTIN: Could you, just this once, maybe-maybe pretend to be one?
CAROLYN: Yes, all right, all right, fine, fine, fine. Get behind your bloody tree.
MARTIN: Thank you!
CAROLYN (calling out to the approaching vehicle): Hello-o! (She puts on a pathetic quavering old lady voice.) Hello; please.
FARMER FISHER (Irish accent, stopping his vehicle and applying the handbrake): Are you all right there?
CAROLYN (plaintively): Oh, oh, thank you for stopping. We’re just trying to get to Kilkenny Airport, my friend and I.
MARTIN (coming out from cover): Hello!
CAROLYN: Could you – could you possibly give us a lift?
FARMER FISHER: Well, I don’t mind taking you ...
CAROLYN: Thank you.
MARTIN: Thank you.
FARMER FISHER: ... but there’s only room for one in the cab.
CAROLYN: Ah.
FARMER FISHER: The other’ll have to ride in the back with the girls.
MARTIN: The girls?
(Geese honk.)
MARTIN: Are they – are they swans?
FARMER FISHER: That’s right. That’s my truck full of swans. They can’t get enough swans in Kilkenny.
CAROLYN: They’re geese, Martin.
MARTIN: Right, well, Carolyn, what do you think? Shall we – shall we toss for it?
FARMER FISHER: What are you talking about? She can’t ride in the back!
CAROLYN: Yes, I’m sorry, Martin, but you have to remember I am a very frail old lady.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(Jazz music in the bar.)
GERRY: May I freshen your juices, gentlemen?
DOUGLAS: Oh, why not? Let’s live a little.
(Sound of juice being poured into the glasses.)
ARTHUR: This is great!
DOUGLAS: Good vintage, is it?
ARTHUR: No, I mean this, you know – two guys, sitting in a bar, couple of drinks, box of those black paper napkins that always look really cool; like we’re in a film. I feel like I should have a hat.
DOUGLAS: God knows, Arthur, you have a hat.
ARTHUR: No, but I mean one of those ones with the dent they used to wear in black and white times. Gerry, could you, er, could you polish a glass?
GERRY: Oh, have I given you a dirty one?
ARTHUR: No, no. I just think it would look good. And then, Douglas, we should be saying things like, you know, “Hey, you guy. The dames, eh?” “Yeah, the dames. Stupid dames. You had any luck with the horses?” “No, the horses are all ... idiots. You know, between the dames and the horses, sometimes I don’t even know why I put my hat on.” That’s how they talk in bars, isn’t it?
DOUGLAS: ... No, Arthur. That’s not how anyone talks, anywhere.
ARTHUR: Oh, right. So ... how-how do they ...? I mean, I’ve never really been to a ... What sort of things do they say?
DOUGLAS: I don’t know. You just ask about each other’s lives.
ARTHUR: Oh, okay. Right. Er ... So, do you miss your ex-wife?
DOUGLAS: What?!
ARTHUR: No! No!
DOUGLAS: You don’t ... not like that!
ARTHUR: Sorry, sorry.
DOUGLAS: You don’t talk about anything. You-you just ... I dunno – you-you joke. You moan about sport; you-you tease each other. It’s terrific.
ARTHUR: I don’t know about sport. Um, I could tease you, though. I’d like to be better at teasing.
DOUGLAS: Well, you can’t just ...
ARTHUR: Honestly, Douglas, you silly great ... man. Look at you with your hair all ... straight. It’s not easy, is it?
DOUGLAS: Apparently not.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


MARTIN: Really? Just in there, with them.
FARMER FISHER: Just sit quietly. They’ll leave you alone.
MARTIN: What? Where-where-where should I sit?
FARMER FISHER: On the floor. But careful – it’ll be slippery.
MARTIN: Why would it be slippery?
FARMER FISHER: ... Have a think about that.
MARTIN: Oh God, no. I can’t sit on that!
FARMER FISHER: Well, you can’t stay standing up.
MARTIN: Why not?
FARMER FISHER: I’m not saying you’re not allowed ...
(The truck begins to move. Martin cries out as he falls over.)
FARMER FISHER: ... I just don’t think you can.
CAROLYN: Are you all right?
MARTIN: Yes. (He grunts as he straightens up.) Have I got any ...? Oh God.
CAROLYN: Yes, only a little bit.
(Martin groans, then cries out in alarm.)
MARTIN: One of them’s attacking me!
FARMER FISHER: No, she’s just being friendly.
MARTIN: I don’t want a goose friend! Argh! Why does she keep trying to get in my pocket?
FARMER FISHER: She probably thinks you’ve got food in there. Have you?
MARTIN: Oh, yes(!) I never go anywhere without a pocket of goose food!
CAROLYN: Martin, Martin. The seed cake.
MARTIN: Oh, right, yeah. Er, um, actually I do.
FARMER FISHER: Give her that, then, and she’ll leave you alone.
MARTIN: All right. There we go.
(The goose honks.)
MARTIN: Right? (He laughs faintly.) All gone! No, nothing else for you, see? Completely empt... Oh God.
CAROLYN: What is it?
MARTIN: Oh God. I think this goose has just eaten my father’s signet ring.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(Jazz music in the bar.)
ARTHUR: I ju... I just don’t know the sort of things people say.
DOUGLAS: Yes you do. You’ve heard me tease Martin hundreds of times.
ARTHUR: Oh, right, okay. Er ... I notice Sir isn’t terribly tall today.
DOUGLAS: ... Yes. That’s better. Of course, I am quite tall.
ARTHUR: Oh, damn! It’s-it’s just really difficult with you. There’s-there’s nothing to make fun of.
(Silence.)
ARTHUR: What?
DOUGLAS: I’m a fifty-seven year old first officer with three ex-wives and I’m drinking sodding pineapple juice.
ARTHUR: I know. So?
DOUGLAS: Nothing. You know, I think maybe you should give up on teasing. It’s not really your thing.
ARTHUR: Okay.
DOUGLAS: If it helps, you are excellent at being teased.
ARTHUR: Oh, really? Am I?
DOUGLAS: Oh, first rate! Second only to Martin. He’s the master.
ARTHUR: Aww, thanks, Douglas! And-and maybe if I practise, I could get as good as him.
DOUGLAS: As good as Martin? I’m afraid not. He always goes the extra mile. The man just phoned me from up a tree.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(The truck comes to a halt. Carolyn gets out.)
CAROLYN: All right. Thank you so much, Mr. Fisher. Come on, Martin. We’ve got eighteen minutes. Go-go-go.
MARTIN: No-no-no, but what about my ring?
CAROLYN: I’ll get you another ring.
MARTIN: It was my father’s.
CAROLYN: Yes, I’m sorry, but ... Look, Martin, a goose ate it. What do you want me to do – give it the Heimlich manoeuvre?
FARMER FISHER: You could buy the goose.
MARTIN: I don’t want to buy a goose!
FARMER FISHER: I don’t want to sell you a goose! But if you want that ring, you’re going to have to take the goose it comes in.
MARTIN: Carolyn, can I ... Can I take a goose on GERTI?
CAROLYN: If it will get you on the plane before dusk, you can take a giant panda.
MARTIN: Right! Okay. How much is it?
FARMER FISHER: Depends. Which one d’you want?
MARTIN: Which one? Well, the-the one that ate my ring, of course.
FARMER FISHER: Ah. With you so far. Which one’s that?
MARTIN: I-I don’t know.
FARMER FISHER: Ah, now.
MARTIN: Oh God.
FARMER FISHER: You know, if I were you ...
MARTIN: Yes?
FARMER FISHER: ... I’d have kept an eye on it.
MARTIN (frustrated): Thank you.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(In the bar.)
DOUGLAS (tiredly): Gerry, two more pineapple juices over here.
GERRY: Er, d’you not think maybe you’ve had enough?
DOUGLAS: No I don’t.
GERRY: Only they’re quite acidic. You can get yourself a stomach ulcer.
DOUGLAS: Don’t worry, Gerry. We can handle our juice.
(Approaching footsteps.)
DOUGLAS: Carolyn.
ARTHUR: Hey, Mum! Where’ve you been?
CAROLYN (hurriedly): No time, no time. Get ready for take-off in fourteen minutes.
ARTHUR: But Mum ...!
CAROLYN: Hurry!
(Martin bursts through the door of the bar as Carolyn hurries away.)
ARTHUR: Hey, Skip!
MARTIN (urgently): Douglas, quick. I need your help.
DOUGLAS: Martin ... Good Lord, you’re soaking wet.
MARTIN: Yes, well, it’s raining outside. Look ...
DOUGLAS: What happened to your uniform?
MARTIN: I tore it falling out of a tree ...
DOUGLAS: Yes, but what’s that all over it?
MARTIN: Oh, er, goose droppings, but ...
DOUGLAS: Is your hand okay?
MARTIN (increasingly rapidly): No, a bee stung me ...
DOUGLAS: What are you carrying?
MARTIN (frantically): What does it look like?! A stuffed sheep!
DOUGLAS: You see, Arthur? The master.
MARTIN: Douglas, listen. There’s a truck full of geese outside and one of them ate my Dad’s ring and I don’t know which one and I know there’s nothing you can do but is there anything you can do?
DOUGLAS: Gosh. Well, it’s a-a bit of a tall order, Martin, even for me.
MARTIN (more quietly): You can’t do anything?
DOUGLAS: I didn’t say that. Gerry.
MARTIN: Douglas ...
DOUGLAS: This is Martin. Martin is a man who would like to discover which of a truckload of geese has swallowed a valuable ring. Martin, this is Gerry. Gerry is a man who wishes he could get more use out of his metal-detecting gate. Perhaps you two could have a profitable discussion.
GERRY: Oh, grand!
CAROLYN (urgently as she hurries over): Come on, come on. Where are you all? Twelve minutes.
MARTIN: Er, yes, Carolyn. But, er, b-before that, though, I-I just want to very quickly X-ray all the geese.
CAROLYN: You what?! No, I’m sorry, Martin, I’m very sorry, but there is no time! Now come on!
MARTIN (firmly): No. I’m sorry, Carolyn. I carried the sheep for you. I climbed the tree. I rode the back of the truck. But now I have to X-ray these geese.
DOUGLAS: Always the extra mile.

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Mertxines

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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  Mertxines el Lun Ene 28, 2013 4:11 am

SERIE 4 - EPISODIO 3 - VADUZ
===========================

HERC: Carolyn, ten minutes.
CAROLYN: Yes, all right, Herc. So, last recap: if the phone rings, answer it and take a message. If an email comes in, reply to it. If ...
DOUGLAS: Hang on. I’m taking notes.
ARTHUR: But, er, don’t worry about faxes, guys, because Mum’s put me in charge of the faxes.
MARTIN (quietly): Are you sure, Carolyn? Because some people do still have fax machines.
CAROLYN (quietly): Yes. Yes, some people do. We don’t, though. (Louder) And, most importantly, I will have my phone on at all times. Call me at once if anything happens at all.
HERC: Er, i-if I could just clarify that a little. Do not call her, no matter what happens.
CAROLYN: Don’t listen to him. Call me if anything goes wrong, or if we get any bookings.
HERC: Those are just two of the circumstances under which you should not call. Other such circumstances include the following: any circumstances.
CAROLYN: Ignore him.
HERC: Ignore her.
DOUGLAS: What a peaceful holiday you two are going to have.
CAROLYN: It is not a holiday; it is a ... trip.
HERC: It’s a holiday – the first holiday I’ve had for years.
DOUGLAS: I suppose normally you’d just wait for the next honeymoon to roll round.
ARTHUR: What?
HERC: Douglas is wittily referring to my four marriages, Arthur, as opposed to his mere three.
ARTHUR: Wow! Is that true? You two have got seven ex-wives?
HERC: Between us, yes ... I think. There isn’t any overlap, is there, Douglas?
DOUGLAS: I’d have to check my paperwork.
ARTHUR: Seven! That’s enough for a netball team!
HERC: What a chilling thought.
DOUGLAS: Of course, if Carolyn contributes her two husbands as well, we’re well on our way to a football team.
CAROLYN: Thank you, Douglas. That will do.
HERC: I-I think I’d put my second wife in goal.
CAROLYN: Hercules Shipwright, did you just do a ‘My ex-wife’s so fat’ joke?
HERC: Certainly not! She happens to be a professional goalkeeper.
CAROLYN: Really?
HERC: No. She’s huge.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(Telephone rings.)
DOUGLAS: Your turn, I think.
MARTIN (making an annoyed sound, then picking up the phone): Hello? MJN Air. Captain Martin Crieff speaking.
THERESA (over phone, in a Central European accent): Hello. I would like a quote for a booking this Friday.
MARTIN: Certainly. May I take your name?
THERESA: Yes. I am Princess Theresa of Liechtenstein.
MARTIN (laughing sarcastically): Are you?
THERESA: I am, yes.
MARTIN: What a coincidence.
THERESA: In what way?
MARTIN: Oh, it’s just that I’m the Lord High Arch-duke Martin of Crieffstonia.
THERESA: Ahh!
MARTIN: Now what can I do for you?
THERESA: Well ...
MARTIN: Is it a dragon?
THERESA: What?
MARTIN: D’you need rescuing from a dragon? Only I know what you princesses are like.
DOUGLAS: Er, Martin.
MARTIN: Mmm?
DOUGLAS: This is nothing to do with me.
MARTIN: No, of course not!
DOUGLAS: No! Really!
MARTIN: E-e-e-e-excuse me; can you wait a minute?
THERESA: My pleasure. It will allow me to catch my breath from all the hilarity.
MARTIN: Seriously, Douglas – this isn’t one of your mates?
DOUGLAS: Who is it?
MARTIN: The Princess of Liechtenstein!
DOUGLAS: No. The Princess of Liechtenstein is not one of my mates.
MARTIN: Right! Fine! Then you talk to her!
DOUGLAS: With pleasure. (Into phone) Hello. This is First Officer Douglas Richardson. I do apologise. We’ve been getting some hoax calls this week. Now, how can we help you?
THERESA: Well, I am Princess Theresa of Liechtenstein and I was hoping to charter you to fly the king and I from Vaduz to Fitton.
DOUGLAS: But of course! To fly The King And I? Well, this is The Sound of Music to our ears! Why, not since we flew Madam Butterfly to the South Pacific have we had ...
MARTIN: Douglas! It’s nothing to do with me either!
DOUGLAS: Yes it is; but I must say, answering it yourself first was a very artistic touch.
MARTIN: Look at me. It’s not me!
DOUGLAS: Well, it’s not me!
THERESA: Okay! So this has been a lot of fun, but ha-have we perhaps reached the point where one of you might consider googling the words ‘Theresa’ and ‘Liechtenstein’?
MARTIN: Douglas, look. I’ve just ...
DOUGLAS (smoothly): Your Royal Highness. How may we be of service?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(Sounds of people on a beach in the background)
CAROLYN: Yeah, of course I am, Martin. Tell Arthur to meet me at the airport.
(She hangs up her phone. Crunch of approaching footsteps on the sand.)
HERC: Ah, Carolyn, there you are. Now, you know you were saying what fun wind surfing looked?
CAROLYN: I don’t recall saying anything of the kind.
HERC: Well, you were very drunk at the time.
CAROLYN: I was not!
HERC: Nonetheless, you did say it, and accordingly I have booked us lessons this afternoon.
CAROLYN: Oh, that’s nice(!) Anyway, I am going to Liechtenstein.
HERC: I think you might be over-reacting a little.
CAROLYN: Martin just called. He’s just had a booking from the King of Liechtenstein.
HERC: Well that’s obviously Douglas doing a funny voice.
CAROLYN: You would think so, yes, but apparently not.
HERC: Well, the boys can cope.
CAROLYN: What, with a king? Of course they can’t!
HERC: I didn’t realise you were in such thrall to royalty.
CAROLYN: I don’t give two hoots for royalty!
HERC: I think you give four or five hoots.
CAROLYN: I do not.
HERC: And not just any old hoots: low and reverent hoots, like an owl at a Jubilee.
CAROLYN: No! I’m sorry, Herc. I really have to go.
HERC: No! You don’t. Not on the second day of our first and only holiday in sixteen months together.
CAROLYN: Look, I told you when I agreed to come, I’d have to leave if work came up.
HERC: And I told you I didn’t agree and wasn’t listening.
CAROLYN: Oh, honestly, Herc. It’s not a big deal.
HERC: Well, in fact, it is a bit, because it’s important to me that we spend time together ...
CAROLYN: Oh, don’t.
HERC: ... because I love you.
CAROLYN (tightly, awkwardly): Yes. So you keep saying.
HERC: I do, don’t I?
CAROLYN: Yes. Yes, and I wish you wouldn’t. It makes you sound like a Disney toy.
HERC: Actually, Disney didn’t come up with the concept of expressing love. Other people have found it important as well.
CAROLYN: Well, who?
HERC: Most of humanity.
CAROLYN: Well, there you are, then. You know what chumps they are.
HERC: Who, humanity?
CAROLYN: Yes, by and large.
HERC: ... Well, granted. But still.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(Flight deck door opens.)
ARTHUR: Okay, chaps. I’ve been, er, practising bows. Do you think, er, this one ... (short silence while he does his bow) ... or this one?
(Another short silence, followed by the sound of something being caught in one hand.)
ARTHUR: That’s a slightly fancier one.
DOUGLAS: Isn’t it just? What happens if you don’t catch your hat?
ARTHUR: Yeah, I thought of that. Er, I can extend the bit at the end to include picking it up.
MARTIN: Just a simple inclination of the head from the neck, Arthur – that’s enough.
ARTHUR: Are you sure? Doesn’t sound very king-y.
MARTIN: Quite sure. I’ve been brushing up on protocol.
DOUGLAS: Of course you have.
MARTIN: Also, never look at the king directly.
DOUGLAS: Are you sure you’re not confusing him with the sun?
MARTIN: And don’t hold eye contact. Just-just glance up and look away.
DOUGLAS: Even if we’re looking at him through smoked glass?
ARTHUR: Okay, I’m gonna go and practise.
(Flight deck door closes.)
DOUGLAS: So ... Martin. What sort of team would your exes make?
MARTIN: What? No team. You know I’ve never been married.
DOUGLAS: Mmm, but what about ex-girlfriends?
MARTIN: I’m not telling you that.
DOUGLAS: Okay.
MARTIN: That’s private.
DOUGLAS: Absolutely. Forget I asked.
(Pause.)
MARTIN: How-how-how-how many people in a bobsled?
DOUGLAS: Four.
MARTIN: Oh.
DOUGLAS: There’s five in a basketball team, if that helps.
MARTIN: It doesn’t.
DOUGLAS: Ah. I don’t think there’s anything with three.
MARTIN: No ... (he sighs) ... there wouldn’t be.
DOUGLAS: Hang on; I’ll look it up.
MARTIN: There’s really no need.
DOUGLAS: Pétanque!
MARTIN: What?
DOUGLAS: There’s three players in a pétanque team! You know, boules – like old Frenchmen play.
MARTIN (with a resigned tone): Go on, then.
DOUGLAS: What?
MARTIN: Well, I know you only asked me so I would ask you. What sort of a team would your ex-girlfriends be?
DOUGLAS: Hmmm. Well, you know the start of the London Marathon ...?
MARTIN: Yes, all right!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


DOUGLAS: Shut-down checks complete; and fuel remaining is ... one thousand six hundred litres.
MARTIN: One thousand six hundred. Got it. Right. Let’s go – quick, quick, quick.
DOUGLAS: We’re still early.
MARTIN: Yes, but we could be earlier.
(Knock on cabin door.)
OTTO (European accent): Er, hello?
(The door is opened.)
OTTO: Hi. I am Otto.
MARTIN: Hello.
OTTO: I am your ground handling agent today. Er, we hope ...
MARTIN (hastily): Yes, good-good-good. We’d like to take off at five.
OTTO: Ja, sure, sure. In the meantime, d’you want cleaning services?
MARTIN: Er, no thank you. We take care of that ourselves.
OTTO: Okay, yeah, sure. So, catering services?
MARTIN: No, we do that too. Okay, thanks ...
OTTO: Check-in desks?
MARTIN: No, again, we ...
OTTO: ... you do it yourselves, sure, yeah. How about ...?
MARTIN: No, I’m sorry. We really have to go. We are actually, as it happens, collecting the King of Liechtenstein, so anything else, just-just assume we do it ourselves.
OTTO: Fuel.
MARTIN: Oh.
OTTO: You have a little portable refinery up there in the tail, maybe?
(Martin sighs in exasperation.)
OTTO: Or will His Majesty be bringing a couple of barrels of his own brew?
MARTIN: Okay, sorry, yes, we want refuelling. We’ll need three thousand litres.
OTTO: Okey-dokey.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(In a car)
ARTHUR: Shall I offer to take his crown, or will he want to keep it on for the flight?
DOUGLAS: Just a minute, Arthur. Martin ...
(Clinking of metal.)
MARTIN: Hmm?
DOUGLAS: What are you doing?
MARTIN: I know you’re going to laugh.
DOUGLAS: Are you putting on ...?
MARTIN: It is correct protocol to wear one’s decorations when greeting a foreign head of state.
DOUGLAS: Medals?! When did you get medals?!
MARTIN: During the ten years I was a ... member of the Air Cadets.
DOUGLAS: I see. What’s this one?
MARTIN: That’s my Cadet Forces Medal.
DOUGLAS: For ...?
MARTIN: Being in the Air Cadets.
DOUGLAS: Impressive stuff! And the other one?
MARTIN (hurriedly): Doesn’t matter.
DOUGLAS: It does matter.
MARTIN: You’ll only make fun of it.
DOUGLAS: Martin, let us be perfectly clear: the good ship Douglas Making Fun of Martin’s Medals set sail the moment you took the decision to put on some medals. The voyage is now well underway, and I can only suggest you relax and enjoy it. What’s the other one?
MARTIN: ... It’s ... my Millennium Star.
DOUGLAS: Is it?! And that’s awarded for ...?
MARTIN: I think you know what it’s for.
DOUGLAS: I have a wild hope, certainly, but surely it’s too good to be true.
MARTIN: It was awarded – by the Queen – to all serving members of the Armed Forces and Cadet Corps ... to commemorate the new millennium.
DOUGLAS (delightedly): It is! You’re going to meet the King of Liechtenstein wearing a medal you got for being alive in the year two thousand!
ARTHUR: I wish I’d known. I could have got that one.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(In a restaurant)
HERC: Thank you for staying.
CAROLYN: Yes, yes, yes. You already said that.
HERC: And I’m saying again: I really appreciate you staying.
CAROLYN: Yes-yes-yes. All right, fine.
HERC: Because ...
CAROLYN: Yes-yes, thank you. That’s lovely.
HERC: ... I love you.
CAROLYN: Yes, I am aware. The information has been duly noted. Thank you for your feedback.
HERC: And do you ...?
CAROLYN (her voice getting increasingly high-pitched): No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!
HERC: No?
CAROLYN: Not, ‘No, the answer’s “No”,’ ... ‘No, don’t ask.’
HERC: So the answer’s not no.
CAROLYN: I said, ‘Don’t ask’; don’t ask, don’t tell, like gay American soldiers before two thousand and eleven.
HERC: Well I’m not a gay American soldier before two thousand and eleven; I am, in fact, none of those things. And I am interested in whether or not you feel as strongly about me as I do about you.
CAROLYN: Why? Look, we’re-we’re doing very well as we are. Why-why can’t we carry on like this?
HERC: But what if we wanted to get married?
CAROLYN: But we don’t want to get married, though, do we? Not in the least tiniest little bit.
HERC: I might want to.
CAROLYN: Yes, Hercules, but let’s face facts: you wanting to get married is like other people wanting to sneeze. Besides, ‘Knapp-Shappey’ is bad enough as a surname. I’m damned if I’m going to become ‘Knapp-Shappey-Shipwright’.
HERC: Yes, I see what you mean. It does sound a bit like a soft shoe shuffle.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(Outdoors.)
ARTHUR: Wow! It’s an actual castle!
DOUGLAS: What did you expect Vaduz Castle to be?
ARTHUR: I dunno. World of Leather was very disappointing.
MARTIN: What do we do now?
DOUGLAS: Knock?
MARTIN: Can you just knock at a castle?
DOUGLAS: I don’t see why not. What was your plan: jangle your medals together?
(Knocking on the door, which is then opened.)
THERESA: Hello. Oh, are you the pilots?
MARTIN: Er-er, er, yes. Hello. Er, we’re-we-we’re here to see, er, Princess Theresa.
THERESA: I know, yes. Hello.
MARTIN: Hello. So-so is she in?
THERESA: Yes she is in ... front of you. Hello. Come in.
MARTIN: Oh. Right.
(They go inside.)
MARTIN (clearing his throat): Your Royal Highness, if I might introduce myself. I am Captain Martin Crieff.
THERESA: Oh, I remember you! You’re here to save me from a dragon, yes?
MARTIN: Terribly sorry about that.
THERESA: Oh, no, don’t worry. It happens a lot!
MARTIN: ... Okay. And, er, and this is First Officer Douglas Richardson, and Mr. Arthur Shappey Esquire, who will be providing customer service.
ARTHUR (quietly to Douglas): Mr. Arthur Shappey what?
DOUGLAS (quietly): Esquire.
ARTHUR: What’s a squire?
DOUGLAS: You are.
ARTHUR: Brilliant!
MARTIN: The head of our company, Mrs Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, presents her compliments and her profound apologies not to be here in person, but rest assured, she will be waiting to greet you on our arrival in Fitton.
THERESA: Really? Why?
MARTIN: ... W-well, you know, to provide an ... official reception and-and to ... sweep the building for ... assassins.
THERESA: Ooh! Right. Well, d’you get a lot of assassins in your airport?
DOUGLAS: We do in the winter months. I think the cold drives them inside.
MARTIN (through gritted teeth): Douglas!
ARTHUR: Excuse me, your Princess.
THERESA: Theresa is fine.
ARTHUR: Er, Theresa. When do we get to see the king?
MARTIN: Arthur! I-I-I’m so sorry. He-he...
THERESA: Oh, no, no, no, it’s fine. I’ll get him. (Calling out) Maxi! Your pilots are here!
MAXIMILIAN (a teenage boy, excitedly): Yaaaay!
THERESA: And you can come and meet them as soon as you’ve finished your carrots!
(Running footsteps, then a heavy door is pulled open.)
MAXIMILIAN: I have finished them.
MARTIN: Oh!
DOUGLAS: Martin? I fear you’re looking directly at the king.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(In the car)
MAXIMILIAN: Green truck. That counts double.
ARTHUR (indignantly): What?! No, no, that’s not how you play!
MAXIMILIAN: It is in Liechtenstein.
ARTHUR: No it’s not!
MAXIMILIAN: It is, because I’m the King of Liechtenstein and I say it is. A hundred points to me!
ARTHUR (frantically): There aren’t any points!
MAXIMILIAN: There are in Liechtenstein.
THERESA: Maxi! Stop being horrible! I’m sorry – Maxi is going through a stage where he’s very pleased with himself for being accidentally born king. (She chuckles in embarrassment.) They all go through it! For my father, it lasted sixty years!
MARTIN: So you’re Maxi’s sister?
THERESA: I’m the oldest; he’s the youngest. Six sisters, then Maxi.
DOUGLAS: Good lord!
THERESA: Yes. My father’s motto was, ‘If at first you don’t succeed ...’
DOUGLAS: And what takes His Majesty to Fitton?
THERESA: He’s going back to school.
ARTHUR: Ah, lucky you! I really miss going to school.
MAXIMILIAN: Then you’re stupid. I hate school.
THERESA: No you don’t. You just hate all the other boys.
MAXIMILIAN: No – they hate me. They won’t call me by my proper title.
DOUGLAS: Children can be so cruel.
MARTIN: I-I suppose you must stick out a bit, being royal.
THERESA: Not at this school. He shares a desk with the Sheikh of Qatar.
MAXIMILIAN: Yes, but he’s only a prince. I outrank him.
THERESA: Maxi, I keep telling you: people don’t make friends by telling other people how much they outrank them.
MARTIN: That’s true, actually!
DOUGLAS: Yes. Captain Crieff – as you can see – is a grizzled veteran of the Air Cadets.
THERESA (giggling flirtatiously): Oooh! Oh my, yes!
(She touches his medals, which jingle.)
THERESA: What are these?
MARTIN (trying to sound nonchalant): Oh, those are just my decorations.
THERESA (impressed): Oh! You come with decorations. Like a little Christmas tree! What are they for?
DOUGLAS: Ooh! Can I tell her?!
MARTIN: No.
DOUGLAS: Please?
MARTIN: No! This is-this is my Cadet Forces Medal; and, um, this is my Millennium Star.
THERESA: Well, now! I think we can do a little better than that. You have provided aid to the Royal Family, so straight away you can have the Star of Liechtenstein ... (clinking as she adds the medal to Martin’s bar) ... the Wreath of Liechtenstein ... (another clink) ... and, er, ooh, I don’t know what the last one is called ... the Little Wobbly Stick of Liechtenstein.
(Another clink.)
MARTIN: Errr, thank you.
MAXIMILIAN (whining): Theresa! You can’t give him that! That’s our highest honour!
THERESA (exasperated): Well someone’s gotta have it! (To Martin) Now, do you renounce Satan?
MARTIN: Errrr, yes!
THERESA: Super! That gives you the Holy Cross of St. Lucius!
MARTIN: Okay, I think you might be teasing me.
THERESA: Maxi, do we have a medal for Teasing Recognition?
MAXIMILIAN: No.
THERESA: Shame. (Flirtatiously to Martin) You really earned it.
(Martin laughs nervously. There’s a few seconds of silence.)
MAXIMILIAN: Black dog.
ARTHUR: Oh, come on! That’s not even a vehicle!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


OTTO: Okay, and sign here. You’re all ready to go.
DOUGLAS: Okay.
(Sat comm bleeps.)
MARTIN: Hello?
CAROLYN (over sat comm): Martin? How is everything?
MARTIN: Everything’s fine, Carolyn. We’re just about to leave.
CAROLYN: Really? No-one’s been thrown in a dungeon or anything? (She chuckles.) Good lord. And how fares the King of Liechtenstein?
MARTIN: He’s fine. He and Arthur are playing Top Trumps.
CAROLYN: What?
MARTIN: I’ll explain later. Don’t worry. I’m in complete control.
CAROLYN: Well, good, because our flight home has been delayed by three hours. We won’t get to Fitton in time to meet you.
MARTIN: It’s fine, it’s fine. She’s ... she’s really not that sort of princess.
DOUGLAS: Er, Captain ...
MARTIN: Gotta go!
(Sat comm off.)
DOUGLAS: Could you just double-check this fuel order?
MARTIN (taking the paper from Douglas): Er ... (high-pitched) What?! Three thousand litres? Why have you loaded three thousand litres?
OTTO: Because you asked for three thousand litres.
MARTIN: No I didn’t. I said, ‘We’ll need three thousand litres.’
OTTO: ... Okay, is that sounding any different to you, because ...
MARTIN: No: ‘We’ll need three thousand’ in the tank and we already have sixteen hundred, so ...
OTTO: Well, maybe I am a simple soul, but I heard, ‘We need three thousand litres,’ and what I thought was, ‘Oh, I know, I’ll give them three thousand litres! They’ll like that!’
MARTIN: Yes, but ...
DOUGLAS: Yes, well, whoever’s fault it is ...
OTTO: It’s his fault.
DOUGLAS: I know. But the good news, Martin, is we’re still under maximum take-off weight.
MARTIN: Oh, good.
DOUGLAS: The less good news is that when we get to Fitton, we’ll still be way over maximum landing weight.
MARTIN: ... Right. So we can go up but we can’t come down.
DOUGLAS: Exactly. We are Newton’s worst nightmare.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(On board another plane.)
STEWARDESS: Your Bloody Mary, madam.
CAROLYN: Thank you so much. I do like being a passenger. She doesn’t know I know she hates me.
HERC: Not all cabin crew hate their passengers, you know.
CAROLYN (laughing cheerily): Oh, bless you!
HERC: So, before we leave the subject entirely ...
CAROLYN: What subject? Oh, no, not that subject.
HERC: Marriage is definitely off the table?
CAROLYN: Well ... I’m not saying that. I’m just saying ... why can’t we carry on as we are?
HERC: Well ... because things change.
CAROLYN: What changes?
HERC: Well ... for instance, if ... if we’re not in this for the medium-long term, I should probably go to Switzerland.
CAROLYN: Well, that’s a bit of an over-reaction.
HERC: I did that joke already.
CAROLYN: It’s funnier now.
HERC: No it’s not.
CAROLYN: Oh yes it is, because the stakes are higher. Why would you go to Switzerland?
HERC: Because if I don’t, I’ll be out of a job.
CAROLYN: Why?
HERC: Because Swiss Airways are going international next year.
CAROLYN: Oh. Bully for them.
HERC: ... by buying up lots of smaller airlines such as Air Caledonia.
CAROLYN: Ohh.
HERC: ... with massive redundancies. Now, as a senior captain, I have the option of keeping my job if I move to Zurich; or I can take redundancy.
CAROLYN: And get another job?
HERC: Where?
CAROLYN: Well, I don’t know.
HERC: Well, nor do I. Fifty-six year old pilots are far less in demand that you’d think.
CAROLYN: I’d assume they’re in no demand whatsoever.
HERC: I realised, even as I said it, I was talking to the wrong person.
CAROLYN: Well, you should go.
HERC: Oh. Should I?
CAROLYN: Yes, of course you should. I don’t want you to give up your job for me. I’m not asking you to do that.
HERC: You don’t want me to stay?
CAROLYN: Well, I-I ... I’m not asking you to stay.
HERC: I understand that. Do you want me to stay?
CAROLYN: ... I don’t want you ... not to stay.
HERC: I will stay if you want me to.
CAROLYN: I don’t want to be the reason you stay.
HERC: Yes. That’s noted. The thing is, though: you would, as it happens, be the reason I stay, if I stay. How do you feel about that?
CAROLYN: ... I don’t know.
HERC: Don’t you? That’s okay. No. Mull it over, though.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(Radio on.)
MARTIN: Fitton Tower, this is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India.
FITTON ATC: ’allo, chaps! Timed that well. Come straight in. Cleared number one for the approach.
MARTIN (slowly): Yyyyes. Actually, Karl, we’d like to hold before landing.
KARL: ... Y-you want me to put you in the hold?
MARTIN: Yes, we do.
KARL (laughing in disbelief): After all the bellyaching you normally give me?
MARTIN: Even after that.
KARL: ... Why?
MARTIN: We just do.
KARL: All right then! Golf Tango India, once round the holding pattern. Enjoy the view!
MARTIN: No – we need to hold for ... (he mutters calculations under his breath) ... about twenty circuits.
KARL: Twenty?!
MARTIN: Yes! Is that all right with you?!
KARL: No, it’s fine with me. You aren’t half gonna get dizzy, though. Enter the hold at Arden; maintain flight level seven-zero, and advise when you’ve had enough and wanna go on the dodgems instead.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


ARTHUR: Okay, I’ve got Harold the Fifth of Norway, and I pick Stateliness. Seven out of ten.
MAXIMILIAN: Bad luck. I’ve got me again.
(Arthur sighs in exasperation.)
MARTIN (coming out of the flight deck): Hello. Everything all right back here?
ARTHUR: Hi, Skip. Er, yeah. Maxi and me have invented European Monarch Top Trumps ... but he scores ten out of ten for everything.
MARTIN: What about Size of Kingdom?
MAXIMILIAN: It’s not a category.
ARTHUR: Yeah, I said we should have that.
MARTIN: Well, anyway, I just wanted to explain ... Theresa? Er, y-you may have noticed we’re going round in circles and ...
THERESA: Yes. Are you burning off fuel to reduce your landing weight?
MARTIN: Er, yes! How did you know?
THERESA: Oh, how much extra did you load?
MARTIN: Well, about sixteen hundred litres.
THERESA: Oh, goodness!
ARTHUR: Wow, Skip. Mum’s gonna kill you!
MARTIN: Thank you, Arthur. I’m aware of that.
THERESA: Oh! Oh, this is the anti-terrorism expert, yes? A bit of a dragon, is she?!
MARTIN (laughing nervously): Er, well, yeah, if you met her ... (he stutters) ... don’t ever say that to her, but yes.
MAXIMILIAN (mockingly): Are you scared of her?
MARTIN: ... Well, yes, I am.
THERESA: Don’t be rude, Maxi. You’re scared of the Sheikh of Qatar.
MAXIMILIAN: I’m not scared of him. I could have his head cut off.
THERESA: You have to stop saying that all the time. You can’t have anyone’s head cut off!
MAXIMILIAN: I can if they commit treason.
THERESA: They’re not going to commit treason!
ARTHUR: Ooh, I know, I know! Why don’t you command them to cut their own head off? And then, if they do it, their head’s cut off, and if they don’t do it, they’ve committed treason and you can have their head cut off!
MAXIMILIAN (excitedly): Yeahhh!
THERESA: Thank you, Arthur, but the last thing Maxi needs is a henchman.
MARTIN: Maxi, can I give you some advice?
MAXIMILIAN: You?! But you’re a commoner.
MARTIN: ... Yeah. Even so, um, when-when the Sheikh of Qatar is giving you a hard time, don’t tell him you’re going to cut his head off – even if you can ... which you-you can’t. It just makes you look like, um ... well, it makes you look like a man with a medal for being alive in the year two thousand.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(Radio on.)
KARL: ’allo, Golf Tango India. ’ow’s life on the Magic Roundabout?
DOUGLAS: Hallo, Karl.
KARL: It’s ever so restful watching you, you know. Round and round and round, like-like one of those mobiles you hang on a cot.
MARTIN: Tower, please confine ...
KARL (interrupting): Aaaaanyway: silly question, I know, because obviously you live in the air now, but d’you fancy comin’ in?
DOUGLAS: No thanks, Karl. We’ll have another five laps’ worth, please.
KARL: Fair enough. Why stop just when you’re beginning to enjoy yourself? Remain in the holding pattern; and scream if you wanna go faster!
MARTIN (exasperated): Thank you, Tower.
(Radio off. Flight deck door opens.)
THERESA: Er, excuse me?
DOUGLAS: Ah, hallo.
THERESA: Hello. I, er, just wanted to say thank you, Martin, for talking to Maxi.
MARTIN: Oh. You’re welcome.
THERESA: It’s tricky becoming king so young. So easy to let it ruin you.
MARTIN: Yes. I had the same thing when I was made Junior Corporal.
THERESA: Anyway, thank you.
(She laughs nervously.)
MARTIN: Theresa, can I – can I – can I ask you a question?
THERESA: Yes!
MARTIN: Er, how come you know so much about landing weights?
THERESA: Well, actually, when I was little, I-I wanted to be a pilot.
MARTIN: No!
THERESA: Is that so crazy?
MARTIN: No, not at all! It’s just ... when I was little, I wanted to be a pilot!
THERESA: Well, yyyes ... I-I-I thought maybe you did.
MARTIN: How did you know?!
THERESA: Because you’re a pilot.
MARTIN: Oh! Yes. Yes, I am.
THERESA: You’re doing the thing you always wanted to do. You’re-you’re very lucky.
MARTIN (slowly): I suppose I am. It’s just, no-one’s ever called me lucky before.
(The sat comm begins to ring.)
DOUGLAS: Ah. And this, I’m afraid, may illustrate why not.
MARTIN (plaintively as he answers the sat comm): Hello?
CAROLYN (furiously over sat comm): Martin, what the hell is going on?
MARTIN: I thought you were delayed!
CAROLYN: We were delayed – by three hours – and yet here you still are, flying round and round in circles like a moth round a light bulb! So what – as I believe I asked before – the hell – and this had better be really good – is going on?!
MARTIN: Right. Er, look, the thing is ...
THERESA: Martin, let me talk to her.
MARTIN: Er, thank you, but it’s best ...
THERESA (firmly): I will talk to her.
MARTIN: Okay ...
THERESA: Hello?
CAROLYN: What? Who are you?
THERESA: I am Her Serene Highness Princess Theresa Gustava Bonaventura of Liechtenstein, Countess of Sponheim and Protector Extraordinary of the Cantons of Nîmes! (Imperiously) Who are you?
CAROLYN (humbly): Call me Carolyn.
THERESA (sternly): Are you in charge? What is the meaning of this intolerable delay?
CAROLYN: I am so sorry, Your Highness. I am – I’m just interrogating the captain and, when I find out, I assure you ...
THERESA (interrupting): The captain? What has it to do with the captain?
CAROLYN: Well ... he’s the one flying the plane.
THERESA: Of course he is – round and round in circles.
CAROLYN: Exactly! And when I’ve found out why ...
THERESA: ... on my command.
CAROLYN: O-on your ... Sorry?
THERESA: While we wait and we wait and we wait for you to arrive.
CAROLYN: For me? Why?
THERESA: To receive us, of course. We are the King and Princess of Liechtenstein. Do you think we’d simply land in any old airport without reception, without having it swept for assassins?
CAROLYN: I do ... I-I do apologise. I ... assassins?
THERESA: Yes! Now sweep for those assassins, and once you are sure there aren’t any, you may call us back.
CAROLYN: I think I can be fairly sure, even now ...
THERESA (loudly): CALL US BACK!
CAROLYN: Yes, yes, Your Highness.
(Sat comm off.)
MARTIN: Wwwwow! That was amazing! I thought you said you weren’t that sort of princess?
THERESA: No, but my mother is. That was basically her.
MARTIN: Thank you so much. You saved my life.
THERESA: Yes, well – always useful to have a princess around to rescue you from dragons.
MARTIN: Honestly, I-I-I don’t know how I can thank you.
THERESA: Well – think of something.
MARTIN: ... Okay.
THERESA: I’m waiting.
MARTIN: Okay ... I ... I am thinking of something.
THERESA (hopefully): Yes?
MARTIN: But I don’t know if it’s the same thing you’re thinking of.
THERESA: No, well, you won’t know until you try, will you?
MARTIN: Okay ... Well ...
(He breathes in deeply, blows out a nervous breath, then speaks rapidly.)
MARTIN: Would you like to go to Duxford Air Museum with me?
THERESA: Okay, so it’s not what I was thinking of ...
MARTIN: Oh God! I’m so sorry! I should never have asked ...
THERESA: No, but it’s not bad. (She laughs.) We can go tomorrow?
MARTIN: Really?
THERESA: Sure!
MAXIMILIAN (calling out from the cabin): Theresa!
THERESA (flirtatiously to Martin): See you later.
(Flight deck door closes.)
DOUGLAS (amazed): Well!
MARTIN: Did she just ...
DOUGLAS (impressed): Oh, yes! Congratulations, Martin. You’ve got yourself ... a bobsled.


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Mertxines

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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  Nika el Jue Ene 31, 2013 11:44 pm

Niñas,os dejo el episodio de yesterday de Cabbin Pressure titulado Wokingham
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SERIE 4 - EPISODIO 4 - WOKINGHAM

MARTIN: Fuel balanced.
DOUGLAS: Beautifully done.
MARTIN: Thank you.
(Flight deck door opens.)
CAROLYN: What’s wrong with the flight deck service bell?
MARTIN: Er, nothing, is there?
CAROLYN: Well, it keeps ringing.
DOUGLAS: Yes. We rang it.
CAROLYN: Then cease from ringing it.
MARTIN: But we always ring it when we want Arthur to bring ...
CAROLYN: Yes, but Arthur is not here; and when Arthur is not here, the flight deck service bell becomes an object of purely decorative interest.
MARTIN: But what if we really need ...
CAROLYN (interrupting): No, no, no, no, no. Let me spell this out for you in words of one syllable.
DOUGLAS: Oh, good! Off you go.
CAROLYN (slowly, pedantically): You do not so much as touch the service bell unless ...
DOUGLAS and MARTIN (almost simultaneously): Ohhh!
MARTIN: “Ser-vice.”
DOUGLAS: Shame. Still, good effort.
CAROLYN: I was not playing!
MARTIN (haltingly): I bet I can ... go on for ... a more long time.
DOUGLAS: All right, you’re on. What’s the bet?
MARTIN: I don’t know. Maybe ...
DOUGLAS: Whatever it was, you just lost it. Okay, my turn.
MARTIN: Your turn at what?
DOUGLAS (pedantically): Nice try, my friend.
(Martin groans in frustration.)
DOUGLAS: ... but you will not catch me out, so ...
MARTIN: So ...?
DOUGLAS: ... so there.
(Again Martin grunts. The sat comm beeps.)
DOUGLAS: Good day. MJN Air. How can we help you?
ARTHUR (over sat comm): Hi, Douglas, it’s me. Is Mum there?
CAROLYN: Yes, I’m here. What have you done now?
ARTHUR: Nothing! Nothing. It’s-it’s just, um ... I’ve got a sort of hypocritical question.
CAROLYN: Ooh! Have you indeed?
ARTHUR: Yeah. Suppose something had happened ...
CAROLYN: What have you done?
ARTHUR: No, I haven’t done anything! It’s not my fault. And also ... maybe nothing’s happened. Um, but if-if something had happened and if there was nothing that one of you it’s about can do until they get back, should I tell you now, or should I wait until you land?
CAROLYN: Is the person me?
ARTHUR: I’m not saying anything has happened. I’m just saying, if it did ...
CAROLYN: Yes, dear. You’ve been tremendously cunning. Now, just tell us.
ARTHUR: Okay, good. Um, Skip, your mum just called.
MARTIN: Yes?
ARTHUR: Right. And-and basically, the main thing she wants to say is that she has not had a heart attack.
MARTIN: She’s had a heart attack?!
ARTHUR: No! No! I mean ... oh, you really couldn’t have got that more wrong, Skip! A-a heart attack i-is what she has not had.
MARTIN: What do you mean?! What has she had?
ARTHUR: Not a heart attack! She was very clear about that!
MARTIN: Where is she?
ARTHUR: Okay ... when I tell you where she is, Skip, you’ve gotta not worry too much, because in fact ...
MARTIN (interrupting): She’s in a hospital?
ARTHUR (high-pitched in surprise): How did you know?!
MARTIN: Tell her I’ll be there in three hours.

(Footsteps, and Martin’s anxious breathing.)
MARTIN: Mum. Are you okay?
WENDY: Oh, Martin, sweetheart. You didn’t need to come.
(They kiss each other.)
WENDY: I’m completely fine. It’s all a fuss about nothing. Oh, no, look – you’re in your uniform. You didn’t come straight from work?
MARTIN: Well, of course I did.
WENDY: Oh, you shouldn’t have. You didn’t leave it in the middle, did you?
MARTIN: ... Well, no. I ... I-I landed the plane.
WENDY: Oh good.
MARTIN: But, Mum, what happened?
WENDY: Oh, nothing really.
MARTIN: What, you just fancied a go in an ambulance?
WENDY: No. I-I told them I didn’t need an ambulance. It was all a silly fuss. I was just stacking the chairs up after the RNLI thing ... We did ever so well, you know, Martin. We got forty pounds ...
MARTIN: Tha-tha-that’s lovely, Mum, but-but just for now stick to the part about you ending up in hospital.
WENDY: Well, when I finished, I was just a bit out of breath, that’s all; and all it was was I had a bit of that funny throbbing thing I get, you know ...
MARTIN: Wha-wha-what, in your chest? Chest pains?
WENDY: Well, not chest pains, you know – not “Ooh, chest pains!” Honestly, Martin, all I needed was a quick sit-down and it would have gone away, but nothing would please that fusspot Sandra but to send for the ambulance. Honestly, an ambulance! For me! Can you imagine?
MARTIN: Yes, yes, I can.
WENDY: But what if someone had really needed it?
(Approaching footsteps.)
CAITLIN: Mum! Are you okay?
WENDY: Oh, Caitlin, not you as well. You shouldn’t have come.
(They kiss each other.)
CAITLIN: Of course I should! (In a less affectionate voice) Hi, Martin.
MARTIN: Hi, Cat.
WENDY: Oh, look, you’re in your uniform. Have you come from work too?
CAITLIN: Of course I have!
WENDY: But you finished your shift, didn’t you?
CAITLIN: No! I told them my mum was in hospital and I ...
WENDY: Oh no! At least Martin finished his shift.
MARTIN: Mum, I didn’t really have a choice.
WENDY: Go on, Caitlin: go back and finish your shift. I’ll be fine.
CAITLIN: They can get along without me, Mum.
WENDY: They can’t.
MARTIN: Mum, they really can.
CAITLIN: What does that mean, Martin?
MARTIN: What? Nothing! I was agreeing with you!
CAITLIN: Agreeing with me that my job doesn’t matter?
MARTIN: No! I just meant Wokingham can probably struggle by for a bit with one less traffic warden.
CAITLIN: It’s “fewer”. And I suppose you’re indispensable, are you?
MARTIN: No, I’m not saying that.
DR. WHITE (male, coming over to the group): Everything all right over here, Wendy?
WENDY: Oh, yes, thank you, Doctor White. I’m sorry – the children were squabbling.
CAITLIN: We weren’t squabbling!
MARTIN: We’re not children!
DR. WHITE: ... Yes. Pleased to meet you. Er, sorry to take you away from your party.
CAITLIN: What party?
MARTIN: Oh, no. Er, the-these actually are our jobs.
DR. WHITE: Oh, I see! Oh. Now, Wendy. Er, the good news is your ECG and your blood tests look pretty cheerful, and we don’t think you’ve had a heart attack.
WENDY: You see! I told you so.
DR. WHITE: It’s looking more like a spot of angina, but to be sure, I think we’ll keep you in for a few days ...
WENDY: Oh no!
DR. WHITE: ... no more than a week, and do a few investigations.
WENDY: Oh, but really, no, I’m fine, honestly. Can’t I just go home?
DR. WHITE: Well ... you could come in as an outpatient. Is there someone at home that’d look after you?
WENDY: Oh, I can look after myself.
CAITLIN: Don’t be silly! We can do it between us, can’t we, Martin?
MARTIN: Er, yes, pr-probably. And of course there’s Simon too.
WENDY: Oh, now, you’re not to bother Simon.
MARTIN: It’s not bothering him. We all ...
WENDY: No, no, I really won’t have you disturbing Simon. His job’s so important.
CAITLIN: My job’s important.
MARTIN: Yes, and my job’s actually important.
CAITLIN: What d’you mean “actually”?
MARTIN: I mean both of our jobs are important, like Simon’s.
WENDY: But Simon works for the government!
MARTIN (indignantly): He works for the council!
WENDY: Well, exactly.

(Flight deck door opens.)
CAROLYN: Hello, drivers ... oh, driver. How long now?
DOUGLAS: About three hours.
CAROLYN: Right.
(Pause.)
CAROLYN: Oh gosh. It’s boring up here when it’s just you, isn’t it?
DOUGLAS: Took the words right out of my mouth.
CAROLYN: Well, don’t you have some sort of game going?
DOUGLAS: I don’t think so. Only the Words of One Syllable one.
CAROLYN: Oh yes! You were terrible at that.
DOUGLAS (indignantly): I was not!
CAROLYN: You were. You said “accident”.
DOUGLAS: Oh, come on. That wasn’t part of the game!
CAROLYN: Nevertheless.
DOUGLAS: Well, you couldn’t even manage a full sentence!
CAROLYN: I wasn’t playing!
(Slight pause.)
DOUGLAS (carefully): Well then. Do you think you could do ... more well now?
CAROLYN (carefully): I think I could do far far more well.
DOUGLAS: Right. Well then. (Carefully) Let us both play at the same time, and the first one to use a word of more than one ... (long pause) ... sound will lose.
CAROLYN: You are on. And you will lose.
DOUGLAS (at normal speed): As I say: you took the words right out of my mouth.
CAROLYN: Ah!
DOUGLAS: Yes?
CAROLYN (frustrated): Ohh!

(Sound of a kettle boiling.)
MARTIN: Mum! D’you want tea?
WENDY (from a distance): Oh, I’ll make it.
MARTIN: No-no-no, don’t get up. I can ...
(Squeak of the kitchen door opening.)
WENDY: Oh, I can do that.
(Martin groans.)
WENDY (a little breathlessly): Go and sit down.
MARTIN: No, really, Mum, that’s ... that’s not how the “looking after” thing works.
WENDY: But I’m fine, really. I ...
MARTIN: I know. You could run a marathon. Would you like some tea?
WENDY: Oh, well, only if you’re making some.
MARTIN: I am making some. We’ve definitely established that.
WENDY: All right, then.
MARTIN: Good. Milk, one sugar still?
WENDY: Oh, just however it comes.
MARTIN: It comes however y... Fine.
(Pouring of water.)
WENDY: Oh, give me the chipped mug.
MARTIN: Well, I-I-I could do that, or we could both have mugs without chips!
WENDY: But I don’t mind the chipped mug.
MARTIN: I-I know you don’t mind it, but ... Fine. There you are. Already-being-made tea, however it comes, in a chipped mug. Just the way you like it.
WENDY: Dear, you-you’re very good to... Oh, Martin. You’re having coffee!
MARTIN: I know.
WENDY: I’d have had coffee.
MARTIN: Mum, two things: you don’t like coffee; and you’re not allowed to have coffee!
WENDY: It would have been fine.
MARTIN (loudly): Yes, absolutely fine, except you wouldn’t have enjoyed it and it might have given you a heart attack!
WENDY: I’m sorry.
MARTIN (apologetically): No, no, Mum. I-I-I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m sorry.
WENDY: No, it was my fault. I’m sorry. I-I just don’t want to be any trouble, that’s all.
MARTIN (plaintively): I know. That’s the beautiful irony.

MARTIN (yawning): Morning, Carolyn.
CAROLYN: Good morning, bright eyes. Are you all right?
MARTIN: Mmm? Fine.
CAROLYN: Where’s Douglas?
MARTIN: He’s just ... (he yawns) ... He’s just ... (he yawns again) ... He’s just ...
(The portacabin door opens.)
DOUGLAS: Good morning, Martin.
MARTIN: Well, he’s here now.
DOUGLAS (carefully): Oh. And good day to you.
CAROLYN (carefully): Good day to you too.
MARTIN: What’s going on?
DOUGLAS (carefully): That damned game, where speech must be kept down to words of one sound.
MARTIN: You’re not still playing that?
CAROLYN: Two days now. It turns out we’re both quite good. (Carefully) Well, I can’t brief like this.
DOUGLAS (carefully): Fine. Brief him. I’ll go and do the ... man-looks-at-plane bit.
(He goes out and closes the door.)
CAROLYN (relieved): Oh, thank heavens. So, Martin, here’s ... Martin! (Sing-song) Mar-tin!
MARTIN (jerking awake): Ah, yes, hello! I’m awake.
CAROLYN: Martin. Are you fit to fly?
MARTIN: Mmm, yes! Just, um ... (he yawns as he speaks) ... six hours of Mum not being any trouble, then another six being a Man with a Van, and now I’m gonna fly a plane, somewhere.
CAROLYN: No you’re not. You’re going home to bed.
(Martin sighs.)
CAROLYN: Douglas and I can do this one. Look, you need to talk to your family.
MARTIN: Oh, I can’t. They think whenever I’m not on a trip I’m available to look after Mum. They don’t know about Icarus Removals.
CAROLYN: Well, tell them.
MARTIN: I can’t tell them! They’re little enough impressed by me being a pilot; how can I tell them that I actually make a living out of Dad’s old van?
CAROLYN: I don’t know, but you need to find a way. However, for now, there is another solution.
MARTIN: Yes?
CAROLYN: Your mother, from the sounds of it, represents the immovable force of someone who needs helping but does not want to be helped.
MARTIN: Yes!
CAROLYN: Well, we have at our disposal – do we not – the irresistible force of someone who loves helping and doesn’t really notice whether people want him or not.

(Doorbell. A front door is opened.)
WENDY: Hello?
ARTHUR: Hello! Are you Mrs Skip?
WENDY: No, I’m ... I’m sorry, you’ve got the wrong ...
ARTHUR: Oh, sorry, I mean Mrs Crieff? Hello! I’m Arthur. Skip said you’d be expecting me?
WENDY: No, no. I told him I don’t want to bother a stranger. I’m really perfectly fine, honestly.
ARTHUR: Great! Can I come in?
(The door closes as Arthur comes in.)
WENDY: Oh, well, of course if I can get you a cup of tea or anything, but you mustn’t ...
ARTHUR: Oh, brilliant! Can I make it?
WENDY: No, no, no! You sit down. I’ll make it.
ARTHUR: Yeah, but can I, though? It’s just – I’m really good at teas and coffees. It’s probably my best thing. That, or crazy golf.
WENDY: Well, I-I-I suppose ...
ARTHUR: Great!
(Footsteps as Arthur heads for the kitchen.)
ARTHUR: It’s, er, straight ... it’s through here, is it? Ooh – and I’ve brought Boggle, Guess Who?, Connect Four and Kerplunk.
WENDY: Are they ... rappers?
ARTHUR: No, no, they’re games.
WENDY: Oh, you really mustn’t feel you have to waste your time entertaining me.
ARTHUR: No, no! I love playing games! But I can never get anyone to play with me!
WENDY: Oh. Well, I-I-I don’t think I’d be very good.
ARTHUR: Well, it’d be brilliant if you weren’t, because I am awful. And also, I’ve brought, er, two jigsaws, a book of Word Searches, and some cables from my drawer.
WENDY: Some cables? Why did you bring those?
ARTHUR: Well, they sort of came out along with everything else, and I thought we could have fun trying to untangle them.

(In flight.)
CAROLYN (carefully): Well. Since my son is not on the plane, I may as well make the hot drinks. Would you like one?
DOUGLAS: That’d be most kind, thanks.
[Transcriber’s note: does “That’d” count as two syllables?!]
CAROLYN: Tea?
DOUGLAS: No, could I have ...
(Long pause.)
DOUGLAS (carefully): ... the one that is not tea?
CAROLYN: “The one that is not tea.” Which one is that?
DOUGLAS: You know what it is.
CAROLYN: Beer! Oh, dear Doug, no! You can’t have beer!
DOUGLAS: No, not beer.
CAROLYN: Wine! (Carefully) No, no wine for you, my friend.
DOUGLAS (carefully): I do not want wine. I want the hot drink made from a bean, which comes in types such as Gold Blend.
CAROLYN (carefully): I think I know which one you mean, but I will need you to ask for it by name, just to be sure.
DOUGLAS: Fine. I will have tea.

ARTHUR: Is that a bit of your beard, Wendy?
WENDY: I don’t think so. I think it’s your tail.
ARTHUR: Oh yeah, yeah.
(The front door opens.)
MARTIN: Hello? Mum?
WENDY: Oh, Martin! Hello! We’re in here!
(Internal door opens.)
MARTIN: Ooh, gosh! You’ve been busy!
ARTHUR: Hi, Skip! It turns out Wendy and I are amazing at jigsaws! Aren’t we, Wendy?
WENDY: Well, you’re very good.
ARTHUR: You’re very good. We’ve already done the two I brought, so, er, now we’ve mixed up the pieces and we’re doing them both together.
MARTIN: What, to make one big ...?
ARTHUR: Well, that’s what I’d hoped, too, but no – it looks like they’re coming out the same. Er, d’you wanna help?
WENDY: Oh, no, you don’t have to.
MARTIN: No, I’d like to.
ARTHUR: Great! Any edges, give them to me. I am basically the edges guy.
(Sound of the three of them sorting through jigsaw pieces.)
WENDY: Where have you parked your car?
MARTIN: Just round the corner.
WENDY: Oh, don’t do that! Bring it onto the drive. It’ll be safer.
MARTIN (chuckling): Safer than the mean streets of Wokingham?
WENDY: Yes.
MARTIN: It’ll be fine.
WENDY: Well, you know best.
MARTIN (a little hesitantly): Actually, Mum, I didn’t bring my car.
WENDY: Didn’t you, love?
MARTIN: No. I, er, I ... came in the van – Dad’s old van.
WENDY: Oh, really? You’ve still got that running, have you?
ARTHUR: Yeah, it’s brilliant. Once, we nearly went to Devon.
MARTIN: Yes. Actually, Mum, as it happens, I, um, use it for work a bit, between trips – you know, deliveries or removals, Man with a Van stuff. I’m a Man with a Van.
WENDY: Oh, Martin, that’s wonderful!
MARTIN: ... Is it?
WENDY: Of course! What, li-li-like your own business?
MARTIN: Well ... I suppose so.
WENDY: Oh, your dad would be ever so pleased.
MARTIN: Would he?
WENDY: Oh, yes! He always said you should have the van. Between you and me, Simon always wanted it, but your dad said, “No, he’ll lose interest in a month, and he won’t change the oil or get it MOTd. Martin should have it.” And now you’re running your own business with it. He’d be ever so proud!
MARTIN (softly): Yes. (In a normal tone) And of course, also I’m an airline pilot.
WENDY: Oh yes. Yes, he’d like that too.

(Flight deck door opens.)
CAROLYN: Well, then. Are you all set to go home?
DOUGLAS: Yes I am. And you? (Carefully) Are all the ... folk in their seats?
CAROLYN (carefully): Yes. They are all ... (At normal speed) Oh, I’m sick of this game.
DOUGLAS: Me too.
CAROLYN: We’re both just too good at it. Shall we call it a draw?
DOUGLAS: I think we should, yes.
(Pause.)
CAROLYN (carefully): And yet I note you have still not said a word with more than one sound in it.
DOUGLAS (carefully): And nor have you.
CAROLYN (slowly): No.
DOUGLAS (carefully): So. It seems it is ... a sort of mate which has gone stale.
CAROLYN: Yes. Or does it?
(Bing-bong.)
DOUGLAS: Hey!
CAROLYN (into intercom as naturally as she can): Good day, folks! We’ll all be on our way in just a tick. But first, a few words from ... the guy at the front in the hat!
DOUGLAS (angrily): Oh! Thanks.(Into intercom, carefully) Well. Hi ... guys. I am most glad to have you all with me on the plane for this short trip from ... here to the U.K. My name is ... Doug ... (long pause) ... Smith, and I am the one who will fly you this day. We will take one hour for our trip and we fly at a height of ... quite high up. But now let me pass you back to ... the one who spoke just now, who will take you through all the ways we keep you safe on board.
CAROLYN: Thank you! (Rapidly) Tell you what: just read the card on the back of the seat in front.
DOUGLAS (quietly): Oh!

(Sound of jigsaw pieces being moved around in the box.)
MARTIN: Another edge bit, Arthur.
ARTHUR: Thank you, Skip.
SIMON (coming in the front door): Hello, hello, hello! Anyone home?
WENDY: Oh, it’s Simon! Simon, we’re in here!
SIMON (opening the door and coming in): Mummo!
WENDY: Oh, Simon, you shouldn’t have come.
SIMON: Shouldn’t have come to see my poor old ma when she’s been wounded in the field? Try keeping me away, that’s all!
MARTIN: We haven’t really needed to try for five days, have we?
SIMON: Martin! Come here, chap!
MARTIN: Oh, no, don’t ...
SIMON: Big hug!
MARTIN: Mmm, it’s-it’s very nice to see you too, Simes.
SIMON: No, no, no, none of that. Big hug.
(Martin whimpers and groans, his voice muffled.)
WENDY (fondly): Ahh, lovely!
MARTIN (muffled): It’s not lovely!
SIMON: Ooh, it’s good to see you, eh?
MARTIN (muffled): Don’t lift me up!
SIMON: And up he goes!
MARTIN: No!
SIMON: Whee!
MARTIN: Put me down!
SIMON: He’s flying! Whee!
MARTIN: Put me down! Put me down!
WENDY (fondly): Ohh! It’s lovely to see you two having fun.
(Martin protests incoherently.)
SIMON: Now then, Mummo. Why didn’t you tell me you were poorly?
MARTIN: Well, I told you.
WENDY: Oh, I know how busy you are.
SIMON: Not too busy for you. Can’t have you languishing here with no-one to look after you, can we?
MARTIN: Not no-one.
WENDY: No, Martin’s been very good.
SIMON: Is that so? Well, good on you, chap, huh?
MARTIN: Thank you, Simon... No, no, no, wait, I ...
SIMON: Now then, Mummo. First thing tomorrow I’m getting my doctor to take a look at you.
WENDY: Oh, there’s no need.
MARTIN: Your doctor? What doctor do you have?
SIMON: Good old Doc Smiley, of course.
MARTIN: What, Nathan Smiley, from school?
SIMON: That’s right! Remember him, do you?
MARTIN: Of course I remember him. He threw my briefcase on the Science Block. And he’s a podiatrist!
SIMON: And a bloody good one.
MARTIN: He won’t know anything about angina.
WENDY: Martin, perhaps we should let Simon do what he thinks best.
SIMON: Well, probably the best plan, chap, you know – but well done for sticking to your guns. Shows a good spirit, huh? Keep it up.
MARTIN: Thank you, Simon... No!

DOUGLAS: Can’t you just stand up to him?
MARTIN: I try, but he just sort of steamrollers over me with his voice and his moustache.
DOUGLAS: With his moustache?
MARTIN: Really hard to argue with someone with a moustache that bushy.
DOUGLAS: I reckon I could have a crack at it.
MARTIN: I’m sure you could – you or Carolyn, but I’m afraid I’m not you or Carolyn. I’m me.
DOUGLAS: True – but you know me and Carolyn.
MARTIN: So?
DOUGLAS: Well, we’re driving to Stansted on Sunday, aren’t we? Perhaps we ought to call in on the way and wish your mother well – the whole crew. In our uniforms.
MARTIN (delightedly): Oh, yes! Fantastic!

(Doorbell. The front door is opened.)
ARTHUR: Hi, Wendy! It’s me!
WENDY: Hello, Arthur.
ARTHUR: And, er, this is Mum.
CAROLYN and WENDY: Hello.
ARTHUR: Mum, this is Martin’s mum. Martin’s mum, this is my mum. That’s quite fun to say! And, er, this is Martin, who you already know.
(Front door closes as everyone comes in.)
WENDY: Oh, Martin, look at you in your uniform. Aren’t you smart? Look at your hat!
CAROLYN: Quite a sight, isn’t it? Er, Carolyn.
CAITLIN: Caitlin. Let me take your coats.
CAROLYN: Oh, thank you.
CAITLIN: And your hat, Martin?
MARTIN: Er, no. It’s all right.
CAITLIN: Why? Aren’t you stopping?
MARTIN: Yes, but I ... i-i-isn’t Simon here yet?
CAITLIN: Yes, he’s just through there. Why won’t you take your hat off?
MARTIN (calling out): Simon!
SIMON (from a nearby room): Hello, chap. Aren’t you coming through?
MARTIN: Er, yes – unless you want to come out here and, er ...
SIMON: No, well, no-no point if you’re coming through, is there, now?
MARTIN: No, fine. (Quieter, irritated, to Caitlin) Go on, then. Take the hat.
(Thump as he throws his hat to her.)
CAITLIN: Oh! Thank you!
SIMON (his voice getting louder as he comes towards the hall): All right, all right, all right, what’s the big hold-up out here, huh?
MARTIN: Oh, Simon! (Frantically, to Caitlin) Give it back! Give it back!
CAITLIN: Give what back?
MARTIN (his voice rising): My hat! Give me back my hat!
SIMON: Martin!
MARTIN: Simon! Hello. Sorry to be dressed like this. We’re, er, on our way to work. That’s my hat Caitlin’s got.
SIMON: Good lord! Is it? Anyway – hug?
MARTIN: No, no, no. I’ll crease my uniform – my captain’s uniform.
SIMON: Ooh, I don’t think so. Looks pretty polyester-tastic to me. Come ’ere!
MARTIN (muffled, protesting): Don’t lift me. Please, don’t lift me.
SIMON: And up we go!
(The doorbell rings and the door is opened. Martin continues to protest in a muffled voice.)
DOUGLAS: Have I got the right house?
MARTIN (muffled): Put me down! Put me down!
SIMON: Who’s flying?!
(He chuckles.)
DOUGLAS: Yes, I think I have.
(Martin gasps for breath.)
WENDY: Come on in. The boys are just playing.
DOUGLAS: So I see.
SIMON: Ahh, there you go.
(Martin pants as Simon puts him down.)
MARTIN (breathlessly): Right, right. So, this is Wendy, Caitlin and Simon, and this is Douglas, my first officer.
WENDY: Lovely to meet you.
CAITLIN: First officer? Is that like the captain’s captain?
DOUGLAS: Not quite, in fact.
MARTIN: I’m the captain. You know I’m the captain.
CAITLIN: Well, yes, but you’re not his captain, surely.
MARTIN: Yes, I am! Aren’t I, Douglas? Tell them.
CAROLYN (eagerly): Oh yes, do.
DOUGLAS: Oh yes. He is ... (carefully) ... he is my ... That is who he is.
CAITLIN (surprised): Oh! And is he good?
DOUGLAS: Oh, yes! He is most ... most ... good.
MARTIN (flatly): Great. Thanks, Douglas. Terrific.
WENDY: Well, shall we go on through? After you, Mrs Knapp-Shappey.
CAROLYN: Oh, please, call me ...
(She stops.)
DOUGLAS: Yes?
CAROLYN: ... Ca.
MARTIN: “Ca”?
CAROLYN: Yes! Ca. Short for ...
(She whines slightly.)
DOUGLAS: Yes?
CAROLYN: ... fun. Short for fun.
MARTIN: Oh no. You’re not still ...
CAROLYN: What? (Stilted) All is well.
MARTIN: Okay, can I see you both in the kitchen please?

MARTIN (irritated): You’re still playing the game!
CAROLYN: What? No! Of course not!
MARTIN: You are!
DOUGLAS: What game?
MARTIN: Say “sausages” – either of you.
(Pause.)
DOUGLAS: I think not.
(Martin groans in frustration.)
MARTIN: You said you’d help me! That was the whole point! For once I was gonna look good in front of my brother, and now you’re too busy playing your stupid game!
CAROLYN: Well, we can do both.
MARTIN: No you can’t! You sound like a couple of broken Speak and Spells.
DOUGLAS: That is a touch harsh.
MARTIN: Stop it! Okay, look: I’m declaring an amnesty. While you’re in this house, the game’s on hold, okay?
CAROLYN: Suits me.
DOUGLAS: And me.
MARTIN: Good! Thank you.
DOUGLAS: Right, then, shall we go back in?
CAROLYN: Yes, let’s.
MARTIN: Wait a minute. Say “sausages”.
CAROLYN: You first.
DOUGLAS: No, you.
MARTIN: Oh, for heaven’s sakes! All together, after three. One, two, three ...
(He draws in an expectant breath, then quietly screams in frustration when nobody speaks.)
MARTIN: Seriously! One ... two ... three ...
DOUGLAS and CAROLYN (simultaneously): Sausages!
MARTIN: Thank you!
CAROLYN: Oh! That’s a relief!
(Martin lets out a relieved sigh.)
CAROLYN: Antidisestablishmentarianism.
DOUGLAS: Excellent! Shall we re-combine with the familial gathering in the vestibule?
CAROLYN: Assuredly!

WENDY: Is everything okay? You mustn’t stay if you need to go.
MARTIN: No-no-no. It’s all fine.
CAITLIN: What were you arguing about?
MARTIN: Nothing. Just discussing a procedural ... aviation matter.
SIMON: Right. Because it sounded like you were all shouting “sausages”.
CAROLYN: Yes; a small contretemps concerning the catering arrangements, but Martin sorted it all out.
DOUGLAS: As usual.
SIMON: What was the problem?
MARTIN: The problem was ... the-the problem was what we should serve on our next flight – and the solution was sausages.
SIMON: Ah, yeah, not sure, Martin. Take another pass at that if I were you. You’re forgetting the, er, kosher chaps.
MARTIN: No I’m not. I meant beef sausages.
SIMON: Ah, now, you see, well if you get any Hindus, then they won’t like that. No, no. I think your best bet is ...
MARTIN (interrupting): No! There aren’t any Hindus! It’s all fine!
WENDY: I’m sure it is, love, but why don’t you listen to Simon’s idea?
MARTIN (high-pitched and frantic under his breath): Douglas!
DOUGLAS: So, Simon. I didn’t introduce myself properly before. I’m Douglas. I’m Martin’s first officer – his junior – his second in command.
SIMON: Well, pleased to meet you. I must say, you look more my idea of a pilot than old Martin here.
DOUGLAS: Really? You look exactly my idea of a council administrator.
SIMON: Well, senior administrator.
DOUGLAS: Oh, really? Senior. Gosh.
CAROLYN: The sights you must have seen.
SIMON: Yes, well, I ... I could tell you a few stories.
DOUGLAS: Please, do.
(Awkward pause.)
SIMON: Well, you know – mustn’t talk shop, you know.
CAROLYN: Oh, but it would be such a treat for us! We’ve been dying to hear more, ever since Martin told us all about you the other day as we flew over Monte Carlo.
DOUGLAS: Was it Monte Carlo, Carolyn? I think it might have been Uganda.
CAROLYN: Oh, yes, of course, when we took those nice cameramen to film mountain gorillas.
DOUGLAS: Sorry. The-the trips rather blur into one after a bit.
CAROLYN: Well, except for the ones like St Petersburg, where we had a bird strike on take-off and Martin landed us on one engine.
DOUGLAS: Hmm!
WENDY: Martin! Did you?!
ARTHUR: Oh, he was brilliant.
MARTIN: Well, you know, just part of the job.
DOUGLAS: Huh! Well, it’s my job too, but I went to pieces.
CAROLYN: Started crying.
DOUGLAS: I’m not ashamed to admit it.
CAROLYN: Like a schoolgirl.
DOUGLAS: That’ll do. But Martin here slapped me across the face, told me not to be a damned fool, and landed the plane single-handed, fighting the crosswind all the way down to the icy runway and saving all our lives.
WENDY: Martin!
CAITLIN: That’s amazing!
DOUGLAS: But I’m sorry – we’re getting sidetracked. You were going to tell us your story, Simon.
SIMON: ... Yeah. Yes. Well, er, I would, but, um, but, you know, b-best not. Official Secrets Act, you know.
CAROLYN: Oh, of course.
DOUGLAS: Say no more.

CAROLYN: Very nice to meet you, Wendy. Sorry we can’t stay longer.
WENDY: Oh, no. Thank you for stopping.
(Front door opens.)
WENDY: It was lovely to see you all.
ARTHUR: Bye, Wendy!
WENDY: Bye, Arthur.
(Footsteps as Carolyn, Arthur and Douglas walk away.)
WENDY: Goodbye, Martin, love.
MARTIN: Bye, Mum. See you Wednesday.
WENDY: Yes. And I’m ever so glad you told me about Icarus.
MARTIN: Thanks, Mum. I’m glad y... Icarus?
WENDY: I-Isn’t that what it’s called? Icarus Removals?
MARTIN: Yes, but I didn’t tell you that.
WENDY: Didn’t you? I-I-I think you did.
MARTIN: No.
WENDY: Oh. Well.
MARTIN: You knew already?
WENDY: Well, honestly, Martin, I might not be a techno, but I know enough to type my own son’s name into Google every so often.
MARTIN: What about the others? Do they know?
WENDY: I don’t know. I ... they might do. I think they probably do, actually. (She sniffs.) Yes, they do.
MARTIN: They never said anything.
WENDY: Of course not. You clearly didn’t want to talk about it, so they didn’t. They’re ever so fond of you, Martin – especially Simon. So, er, don’t do anything like that to him again, will you? Once is enough.
MARTIN: Do what? What do you mean?
WENDY: So nice to meet your friends. Bye, love. Love you.
MARTIN (quietly, thoughtfully): ... Love you too.

(On the street.)
DOUGLAS: All okay?
MARTIN: Er, yes. I-I think so. You don’t think we were too mean to Simon, do you?
DOUGLAS: Good lord, no!
CAROLYN: I don’t think so. Why – do you feel bad?
MARTIN: Er, maybe a bit bad, but also, sort of mainly AMAZING! (He laughs with delight.) I’m sorry, I know it’s petty, but it was AMAZING! (He laughs again.) Thank you so much.
CAROLYN: Oh, not at all. I know what it’s like. Well, you’ve met Ruth. She still makes me feel like a five-year-old.
MARTIN (sighing): You know, I think I could handle him if it weren’t for that moustache.
DOUGLAS: I do think you set too much store by moustaches.
CAROLYN: Ah-ha! “Moustaches”!
MARTIN: What?
CAROLYN: Three syllables. I win!
DOUGLAS: But we’re not playing! We’re on a truce!
CAROLYN: No! No we’re not! “While we’re in this house” – that was the truce.
DOUGLAS: But you’ve used lots of long words since we left!
CAROLYN: Have I? (Deliberately staccato) What – when I told you how Ruth can make me feel five years old? (She laughs with delight, talking more normally) No! That was a trap, straight into which you blundered, First Officer Heffalump.
MARTIN: Okay, my turn now. I didn’t get a proper go on the plane.
ARTHUR: Well, hang on: I haven’t had a go at all.
DOUGLAS: ... You want a go, Arthur?
ARTHUR: Course I do.
DOUGLAS: All right, then. Your time starts ... now.
ARTHUR: Brilliant!
DOUGLAS: Short, but sweet.
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Nika

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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  lulyve el Vie Feb 01, 2013 12:51 am

Que bueno el de ayer!!!!!!!!!! Este junto con el de Uskerty me parecen simplemente GENIALES.
Me gustaría comentarlos pero no tengo muy claro si es adecuado hacerlo en este post o es mejor abrir uno sólo para quien quiera hablar de esto sabiendo que habrá spoilers
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lulyve

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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  Nika el Vie Feb 01, 2013 1:18 am

Si quieres abre uno nuevo,como hicísteis con lo del Hobbit y así nos explayamos a gusto
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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  Nika el Jue Feb 07, 2013 4:14 am

Bueno,niñas,hoy hay nuevo episodio de Cabbin Pressure,pero hasta que eso ocurra os voy a dejar aquí un vídeo tontorroncio entre el Martin y el Douglas, que me dá algo de cosa ponerlo,pero como hay que poner de todo ahí va.La verdad es que yo flipo con la gente,qué mentes más retorcidas y cuanto se aburren,pobres njajajajaja Very Happy Very Happy
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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

Mensaje  lulyve el Jue Feb 07, 2013 6:05 am

affraid affraid affraid affraid affraid Pero...... Cabin Pressure no es una comedia???? Por Dios que dramón ese Douglas lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
Lo que dices Nika, la gente se aburre mucho geek geek geek Razz Razz
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lulyve

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Re: CABINE PRESSURE

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